Friday of the Apes: The Good Seeds
Categories: TV Reviews
Written By: Eric Jensen
Original Air Date: October 4, 1974
Written by: Robert W. Lenski
Directed by: Don Weis
As our episode opens, a band of gorilla soldiers are hot on the trail of Burke, Virdon and Galen. Night falls and our heroes enter a spooooooky forest. It’s here that Virdon shows off how much smarter he is than a bunch of mangy, feces-flinging apes by whipping out a compass, a piece of technology that, to Galen, is so sufficiently advanced that it is indistinguishable from magic (seriously, he asks if it’s witchcraft). Our two merry men and one cheery chimpanzee are thus able to keep traveling straight and true while the gorillas, befuddled as they are by the clouds that cover the stars, ride around forever in circles.
The scientific revelation that is the compass so enthralls Galen that he goes running off like a blindly confident moron and manages to immediately tumble over a cliff. As a result of this idiocy, Burke and Virdon are forced to tote Galen around on a makeshift stretcher. Even when they’re friends, apes treat we humans like slaves.
Attention all personnel! Incoming wounded in the compound!
They lug Galen’s crippled arse to a nearby ape farm, where the make a plea for shelter and medical aid. Of course, if a compass might as well be sorcery to these beasts, who knows what medical aid they can offer? They probably understand less about medicine than Jenny McCarthy.
No, I’m kidding. Nobody understands less about medicine than Jenny McCarthy.
Here’s what’s going down with the ape farmers. The elder son, Anto, can’t go out into the world and have a farm of his own until their cow gives birth to a bull. Seems a pretty arbitrary custom to me, but who are we to judge other cultures. I’ll tell you who: We’re civilized humans and not some goddamned agrarian chimps!
Sorry. Blatant speciesism. But yes, a bull needs to be born, and this cow just keeps squitting out daughters each time it gives birth. Anto is getting a little testy about this, and the last thing he wants is some damnfool humans coming near his cow and putting a curse on her. Which, of course, is precisely what he presumes Burke and Virdon have done. So Anto, he’s none too thrilled about having astronaut houseguests and he wants them to stay far away from his cow (sophisticated writers recognize this as foreshadowing).
While the farmers wife patches up Galen’s bum leg, the farmer himself, Polar, tells Virdon and Burke they can stay until Galen is healed, but they’ll have to labor nonstop as though they were Polar’s slaves. There are many protestations from Anto, but as head of household Polar has the final say.
A gorilla arrives on horseback looking for the fugitives. Polar lies to him and says they haven’t been seen; he’s getting days of free work out of them, so he’s in no hurry to turn them over to the authorities. By way of stern glances he lets the rest of his family know that they, too, should back up his claims. They do, but Anto does so only relucantly (this, too, may be important later).
Virdon and Burke immediately set to taking off their shirts, making one sort of racist remark, and TOTALLY SHAKING THINGS UP ON THIS APE FARM! Virdon is clearing rocks in a field for plowing; he shows Polar a much better plowing method than the one he’s using. Burke is building a fence; he explains to the younger son that the fences they’ve been building are gay and stupid and they should totally build a handsome, shirtless rail fence.
Shirts are for losers
Virdon also teaches the apes a thing or two about pulleys and other fourth grade science tricks. These guys seem to know about everything, don’t they? (Hint: It may turn out they know a little something about cows!)
Oh no! Something’s gone dreadfully wrong with ol’ pregnant Bossie! She’s lying down and acting logy, and Anto knows just what’s happened: the humans have hexed her with their evil Homo magicks!
No, I meant Homo as opposed to Pan
Needless to say, Anto has had just about enough of these humans and their shenanigans. While Virdon, now shirted, tells the family they’ve been planting their corn completely wrong all these years, Anto goes off to talk to some gorillas and find out if there’s a reward. No, says the gorilla, and threatens to arrest Anto for “loitering around horses,” which seems weird, but whatever. Since there’s no reward, Anto scuttles off without yet turning in the fugitives, but he’s still done enough damage; the gorillas figure that maybe he’s asking about it because he knows where they are, so they decide to scope out Polar’s farm.
What science project are the humans up to now? They’ve built a windmill, of course! A big, shirtless windmill to aid in irrigating the fields. Everything they do yields major benefits for the farm and the family, but Anto wants none of it. Anto just wants a bull to be born so he can get the hell away and never have to look at gross barfy humans again.
HOLY SHIT THE COW’S IN LABOR!
Bad news, apes and gentlemen, that calf’s turned around all ass-over-teakettle! Cow and calf both are in serious danger unless Virdon can work a little cow-doctorin’ mojo and prove he’s not a spell-casting wizard.
So what happens is, Virdon reaches all up inside a cow to set things straight. Fortunately, he does his business just right and the cow safely gives birth to not one but two bulls. Unfortunately, right at that very minute a troop of gorillas, led by Urko himself, come riding into the farm and they are pissed.
Hey, wait a minute! This exact same thing happened on an episode of M*A*S*H once. Well, not the part with the talking apes on horseback. But the part with the backward cowbaby, definitely.
The gorillas question the farm family about what’s going on. Polar lies to them again, but they’re having none of it. Humans have been espied on this very farm!
Surprise surprise, it’s Anto, so grateful that he’s gotten the bull he wanted, who tells the most convincing lie to the gorillas and saves our heroes’ bacon. You see, Anto tells them, there have been no humans here. Rather, it’s just this thing he does sometimes where he puts dust on his face and waves a chicken around.
You thought I was kidding, didn’t you?
This being eminently reasonable, the policeapes buy it and leave.
So with Galen’s leg healed and the gorillas thrown off their trail for the time being, our three heroes head off into the night for their next adventure.
If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:
- Friday of the Apes: Escape From Tomorrow
- Friday of the Apes: The Trap
- Friday of the Apes: The Gladiators
- Planet of the Apes (2001)
