Every time I go to my parents’ house, I root through all the odds and ends I’ve left there. And this time I was fortunate enough to come across the best muthafuckin’ computer trivia game there ever was. That’s right, it’s You Don’t Know Jack. Remember how the game was kinda popular among computer nerds for about forty-five minutes a decade ago? Well, let me tell you, it deserved every bit of that almost, not-particularly-famous fame.

The way you know you’ve got a good quiz game on your hand is when the instructional booklet bears this warning: “This product contains mature content, including suggestive sexual references and language that may not be suitable for some children. Besides, they won’t get it, anyway.” Trivial Pursuit never has questions about wieners or sado-masochism. But this game does.

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Mark’s recent blog praising the SNES got me thinking about some of my favorite games for that system. Super Mario World was great, of course, as was Super Mario Kart. I was always a big fan of the caveman adventure Joe & Mac. Super Empire Strikes Back is perhaps the hardest video game ever made for any system. Super Castlevania IV was my favorite game in the series. And let’s not forget the system’s Family Feud cartridge, where you could sometimes answer “refrigerator” and have it accept it as “trampoline.”

But of all the games, there is one that stands out above the rest for me, and it stands out for a simple reason. That reason is this: I will completely kick your ass at Tetris Attack.

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America, I just moved into a new apartment. And those of you who, like me, have packed up all the remnants of your past selves into boxes, you know that such a venture isn’t complete without an overwhelming sense of nostalgia.

What was it that got me? Old pictures? Faded poems? That stuffed animal I thought I threw away? No. It was the Super Nintendo Entertainment System.

Now, I’m not one of those faux-luddites who pretend to hate the newest versions of things. I love all the “next generation” video game consoles. But pride doth goeth before the fall, dear reader.

It was perhaps my affinity for all the latest games that made the sweet simplicity and sheer replay value of the SNES all the more appealing. Long had I been sneaking around redundant, silent corners as Sam Fisher in the Splinter Cell series. I’d been trying to maneuver my way around awkwardly designed 3D environments and completing absurd tasks as “Solid Snake” in Metal Gear Solid. Yes, I’ve even spent much of my time the last few years controlling six men at once, taking out entire enemy embankments in Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon.

And then there was this. This system… it boasted four buttons, but everyone knows you only need two. It invited me to ride down the streets as a Paperboy, avoiding everything imaginable with only one task: Deliver those papers! I was called to run through the jungle as Donkey Kong, or be chased through the streets of New York in Home Alone 2. There was even Mario Paint, which, after years of slaving away in front of Adobe’s Photoshop, reminded me of just how fun art could be. Double Bases Loaded, Mario Kart, Super Mario World, Legend of Zelda: Gold Edition… there was no end in sight!

It’s a magic system, trapped somewhere in-between the utter rigidity of the original Nintendo and the Next Generation juggernauts. It was when the limitations of technology actually worked for the games, not in the age of the Nintendo Wii, when the simplicity is so forced, and so contrived, that it simply isn’t as fun. It was after real interactive animations were discovered, but before the phrase “linear gameplay” became one of the most feared insults hurled at game developers.

That’s right: it was when designing games was as fun as playing them, and not by choice, but just because… it was.

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Recently, an archaeologoical expedition in the Japanese countryside uncovered a massive stockpile of ancient writings and texts in what is believed to have once been a library. The scientists leading the team hope it will enhance further our understanding of what life was like in feudal Japan and, perhaps, even earlier; some of the recovered documents are believed to be quite old indeed.

I managed to come into possession of one of these items. I can’t go into the elaborate details with how I came away with it, but it was truly a story of international intrigue, phenomenal courage and non-stop derring-do. The item I managed to collect was a journal of some kind, bound in red leather. Its cover was bare, but inside were page upon page of handwritten text, the flowing calligraphy inked in an ancient and traditional manner. I took the journal to a source at a nearby university who could translate its pages for me. Here are the contents of this startling discovery.

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The following correspondence was recently uncovered in the offices of the Daily Sun newspaper. It’s unclear from exactly when it dates or precisely who sent it, but it does provide clear insight into the inner workings of a paperboy’s mind.

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