I was having myself a little Star Trek marathon today, so I compiled this list of episode titles from all the different series that sound like they could be porno movies.

The Man Trap
Mudd’s Women
What Are Little Girls Made Of?
Space Seed
The Naked Time
This Side of Paradise
Mudd’s Passion
The Naked Now
Manhunt
Peak Performance
The Bonding
Booby Trap
Sins of the Father
The Most Toys
Menage a Troi
The Best of Both Worlds
First Contact
Violations
The Perfect Mate
Liaisons
Invasive Procedures
Indiscretion
Body Parts
Strange Bedfellows
The Chute
In the Flesh
Inside Man
Bound

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Oh my god! Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! OH…MY…GAWD! Futurama’s back in a big way! Compared to this, Family Guy coming back is like a turd coming back when the toilet overflows. I’ve perhaps never been so excited in my life. Holy cow do I love Futurama; I’m even prepared to call it a better show than The Simpsons.

Bender’s Big Score is the first of four direct-to-DVD Futurama movies, and if the quality of this one is any indication of what’s to come then we’re all about to add the four greatest DVDs in history to our collections. For fans of the TV series, it’s got just about everything you could want.

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The biggest movie news these days is that everything is go for launch on the long-awaited new X-Files movie. At any rate, that’s the biggest news for people like myself, who only care about nerd stuff. A bigger fan of The X-Files than me there never ever was. I’m practically bouncing off the walls in anticipation. I mean, there’s the new Indiana Jones and Star Trek movies to look forward to, and now The X-Files too! The only thing to say about it is: Hot diggity damn! In celebration of this momentous news, here’s a list of my ten favorite episodes of The X-Files.

10. HOLLYWOOD A.D. 7.18 The one where they’re making a movie about the X-Files and Scully, Mulder and Skinner talk to each other in bathtubs.
9. JOSE CHUNG’S “FROM OUTER SPACE” 3.20 The one where Charles Nelson Reilly is a kooky writer and Alex Trebek and Jesse Ventura are shady characters.
8. WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES 3.12 The one where cockroaches invade a small town and Mulder tells Scully she smells bad.
7. MUSINGS OF A CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN 4.07 The one where we learn the extent of the Cigarette Smoking Man’s involvement in everything that’s ever happened. It’s also the only time we ever feel sorry for him.
6. BAD BLOOD 5.12 The one where Mulder and Scully each tell their own version of events in an investigation of a town full of vampires.
5. PAPER HEARTS 4.08 The one where Mulder thinks a captured serial killer is responsible for the disappearance of his sister. Freaking great.
4. CLYDE BRUCKMAN’S FINAL REPOSE 3.04 The one where Peter Boyle has psychic powers and implies that Mulder will die from auto-erotic asphyxiation.
3. HUMBUG 2.20 The one with a whole town of circus performers. It was the first episode to go heavy on the comedy, and they pulled it off in a big way.
2. THE POST-MODERN PROMETHEUS 5.06 The one in black and white with a Frankenstein dude who loves Cher.
1. SQUEEZE 1.03 The one with a stretchy dude who eats people’s livers. It’s the first episode I ever saw and it scared the living shit out of me.

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The first pictures have been captured of Zachary Quinto, who plays a young Mister Spock for the new Star Trek film, in full costume. (Thanks to JFX.com, who also took it upon themselves to splash their ugly-ass logo all over the shots.)

I can’t believe I’m saying it, but he actually looks like he’ll make a pretty damn good Spock. But looks aren’t everything–in fact, they’re pretty much the least important part of playing a role. But at least seeing the effort and success they’ve taken in making this kid look like a believable Spock is mildly encouraging.

(Note: for those of you who aren’t complete nerdwads, Zachary Quinto is the same fella who plays the bad guy Sylar in the popular Heroes series.)

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The films in the Lord of the Rings trilogy were doubtless the second most eagerly anticipated movie-going experience of my life. They were first, however, in terms of the actual payoff being worth the anticipation. The Phantom Menace, I’m afraid, was a letdown of biblical proportions and made all that excitement and pre-release hype seem like so much foolishness. These three films, however, managed to exceed even my high expectations. As a fan of Tolkien since practically the womb, I had been waiting with bated breath for live action film versions of my beloved stories, and lord almighty I was not disappointed. As good as the movies were in theaters, they managed to be enhanced even further by the DVD release of the “special extended editions.” Unlike the disgusting travesties that were the special editions of Star Wars, these are composed of footage made for the films and trimmed for time from the theatrical release; there’s none of this going back decades after the fact and adding stupid special effects that contribute nothing to the story. And so, for the next twelve hours or so, we will take a look at the saga that is the extended version of The Lord of the Rings.

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I thought the news about Johnny Depp in Dark Shadows was bad…

According to Variety, there is to be a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still and the role of Klaatu will be played by none other than Keanu Reeves. Yes. That Keanu Reeves.

This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. The Day the Earth Stood Still is in my mind the greatest science fiction movie to have ever been made. It has held up tremendously in the fifty plus years since its release; everything about it is still perfect. It needs a remake less than any other sci-fi picture from that era (that is to say, it doesn’t need one at all). And its message is in no need of updating. The Cold War may be over, but the “Hey, Earthlings, maybe you should stop killing each other always?” message comes through loud and clear just the same, and is still relevant the way it was presented.

But I suppose every movie that exists is eventually going to be remade by the creatively dead people in Hollywood. But must they use Keanu Reeves? The man who is, without a doubt, the single worst actor in history? And get this: The Variety article says the film “returns [Reeves] to his strong suit in the sci-fi realm.” His strong suit?!! He has no strong suit! He has only weakness and bullcrap.

This is the most depressing news I’ve ever heard.

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