Rating:
What Happens in Vegas is Hollywood’s next entry in a seemingly endless string of romantic comedies which try to market themselves to both the male and female demographics. The trailer is full of wild, loud party shots of the movie’s attractive stars living it up in glamorous Las Vegas, and then playing endless pranks on one another, each trying to drive the other one crazy after they’re forced to live together. But I hope you weren’t actually interested in seeing those things the trailer promised, because the film is definitely chock full of everything but parties and pranks.

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Rating:
A word of warning: You can often tell by the title design of a film — the way the name of the movie, and its credits, are displayed during the opening sequence — what kind of movie it’s going to be. For example, a horror movie might be more scary if its credits are particularly creepy and well done.

But, it’s safe to say, if the movie you’re watching has a sequence in which the title, and all of the actor’s names, break up into little sparkles and flowers, then scatter across the screen, you should probably run. Run very, very fast.

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Rating:
Could The Princess Diaries be any stupider? Objectively, the answer is no. Instead of a more traditional review, I’m just going to give you a list of some things that I like way better than The Princess Diaries.

Dropsy
Coprophagia
Being eaten by a Bengal tiger
Being eaten by a Cincinnati Bengal
Drying off with a damp towel
Swallowing a bug
Chronic naked grandparents
Tongue sandwiches
Skull crushed by a ball peen hammer
Apartment fires
Apartment fires on Christmas
Dropping my glasses in the toilet
Chronic dingleberries
Synchronized swimming
Child abuse
Synchronized child abuse
Jerking off in front of second grade teacher
The Phantom Menace
Wearing wet socks
Richard Simmons
Papercuts on the taint
Necrotizing fasciitis on the taint

It wasn’t my favorite movie, that much is for sure.

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