As a dude who watches a lot of movies (not that you'd notice, given that I haven't updated my movie website in thirty thousand years), I naturally have encountered DVDs from a wide range of sources and manufactures. Often, these DVDs fill me with rage. Attention, the makers of laser-encrusted picture wheels! You should be listening! It's not just I who demands the following changes. 1. That shit at the beginning—FBI warnings and such—should always be skippable. DVDs from some studios will let you and those from others won't, but all of them should. Home video is not exactly a cutting edge idea; we've all seen the warning a billion times, we all know what it says. We should be able to skip gaily past it because we fucking know already, leave us alone! It gets even worse when you can't skip all the other legal disclaimers (Paramount, I'm looking at you right now). You know, the message about how "the opinions expressed in the interviews and commentary" yadda yadda yadda. We've seen that so often we all know it just as well as the FBI warning. Throwing it up on the screen in multiple languages, each as unskippable as the last, ...

[rating: 5] Humphrey Bogart did the same thing in every movie, to different degrees, from thoroughly grizzled in The African Queen to—for Bogart—downright sentimental in Casablanca. The question, then, is when he did it best. Was Sam Spade the peak Bogart character? Or Philip Marlowe? It's nearly impossible to choose, but an argument can be mounted that Fred C. Dobbs in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre is Bogart's greatest achievement. We first meet up with Dobbs in desperation and penury, homeless and begging on the streets of Tampico. All he wants is to get his head above water, to live comfortably without having to depend on handouts from rich American vacationers. Nothin' fancy, just freedom from poverty. Even when he first hits on the idea of prospecting for gold, his ambitions remain modest. Howard (Walter Huston, in one of the best-deserved Academy Award winning performances of all time), another drifter with some experience as a prospector, tells him what gold does to a man, the way getting a little only makes you hungry for a whole lot more. Dobbs insists that won't happen to a simple, reasonable man like him, that he'll just collect his little piece and go home. We know better, ...

Yes, boys and girls, it's time once again for me to talk about my relationship with Superman. Sometimes in these little therapy sessions I complain about not being able to watch anything featuring Superman, sometimes I'm defending Superman from assorted detractors, other times I'm realizing that perhaps I shouldn't bother with watching or defending the character. This is another one of the last kind. See, I watched Superman II today and wasn't exactly surprised to find that, though I enjoyed the film in my childhood, it actually pretty much sucks. But I also realized something else as I was watching the movie: This whole secret identity thing is completely stupid. Remember that scene in Superman II where Lois Lane is convinced she's figured out that Clark Kent is actually Superman? She's so sure of herself that she throws herself into the Niagara River, where she'll surely be killed unless Superman intervenes. But rather than risk exposing his secret, Clark Kent nearly lets Lois drown before coming up with a way to clandestinely keep her from spilling over Niagara Falls. And this is the guy that loves Lois, remember? Yet keeping the whole "Clark Kent = Superman" thing a secret is so important it trumps ...

[rating: 5] Has there ever been a Kris Kringle more spot-on than Edmund Gwenn, a little girl more bug's-earish than Natalie Wood, a Christmas movie more magical than 1947's Miracle on 34th Street? Don't be silly. Of course there hasn't. Though there are other excellent holiday movies that are indispensible for any merrymaking movie buff, none is more perfectly realized than this story of a little girl learning to believe. That little girl is Susan (Natalie Wood), as adorable as anything you've ever seen but sadly lacking in the childlike sense of wonder department. Her mother (Maureen O'Hara) has raised her by the generally appropriate maxim of "deal with the real world and don't go falling for a lot of dopey nonsense," but this has had one unfortunate consequence: Susan doesn't believe in Santa Claus! This cannot stand, so it's rather fortuitous that a man claiming to be the one and only real Kris Kringle plops right into her lap. The kindly old man teaches Susan a thing or two about imagination and manages to bring a little Christmas spirit to everyone he encounters, to boot. When working as a department store Santa at Macy's, for example, he doesn't hesitate to send shoppers to ...

 [rating: 2.5] When Eric assigned me to write A Charlie Brown Christmas, I'm not sure he knew what he was getting himself into. See, I'm not much like other merrymakers who fall all over themselves praising any little thing which carries the smallest iota of warmhearted nostalgia.  I can't ignore things like horrible dialog, an annoying plot with laughable transitions, and just general bad direction and production all around. No amount of feeling like I'm "supposed" to love something (and I do feel that it's a sweet little piece of pop history) can make me ignore all of that. It's a cute story with some touching moments, but all things considered it's rather absurd and it doesn't even try to make sense. The story opens with Charlie Brown feeling depressed about Christmas, God only knows why (FORESHADOWING, THANK YOU!). Apparently he thinks Christmas has become too commercialized, though we only learn that through a few meandering and mumbling scenes with Linus, Snoopy, and Lucy. Finally, five minutes into this barely 30-minute piece, we have a reason why it exists. So Charlie is depressed and basically disowns Snoopy because decorating his dog house is far too "commercial" an activity, and Lucy names him director of ...

[rating: 4] Damn but Pinky and the Brain was a great show, wasn't it? Easily among the greatest kids' cartoons of the 1990s and arguably of all time. Thankfully, this Christmas episode is no exception. If for some unfathomable reason you're unfamiliar with the concept behind Pinky and the Brain, permit me to elucidate. As the theme song says, "They're laboratory mice. Their genes have been spliced." Each night, Brain comes up with a new scheme to take over the world. He and his dopey sidekick Pinky attempt to carry out the scheme with hilarious results. Comedy gold. On this particular occasion, Brain has invented a hypnosis device that will allow him to bend all the citizens of the world to his will. The devices are put into Noodle Noggin, a children's doll Brain's designed—in his own likeness, as befits a megalomaniac. All Pinky and the Brain need to do is get one of these dolls under every tree come Christmas morning and the world will be theirs to command. Naturally, they need an assembly line to produce enough Noodle Noggins in time, and when it's Christmas only one assembly line fits that bill. After answering an ad in the paper reading "Elves wanted for ...

[rating: 4] A Claymation Christmas Celebration is a 1987 TV special from the sometimes awesome, sometimes awful Will Vinton. Fortunately for all you holiday celebrants, this musical program falls on the awesome side of the scale. Our hosts are Herb and Rex, a wackily mismatched pair of dinosaurs (don't your Christmas traditions involve dinosaurs?). These two thunder lizards will be our guides on a voyage of yuletide magic. Or, more accurately, they'll throw a few facts our way about the various Christmas carols that are showcased in this musical extravaganza. Either way. WE THREE KINGS Our old friends Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar sing their signature tune, and they sing it with all the seriousness and gravitas Christian types like to imagine their holy days deserve. Fortunately, there are some camels taking the choruses, and they sing like a swingin' 1950s vocal group. I think we all agree that anything with singing camels is awesome. CAROL OF THE BELLS Nobody knows more about bells than deformed weirdos, and so "Carol of the Bells" is an instrumental number conducted by none other than everyone's favorite hunchback, Quasimodo (not to be confused with everyone's favorite hatchback, the Toyota Starlet). The instruments being played—playing themselves, actually—are anthropomorphic bells. Creepy looking, anthropomorphic bells. One ...

[rating: 4.5] Since I was very, very young, A Christmas Carol—Dickens' novel and its many different adaptations—has been one of my favorite stories. Before even my obsession with Star Wars or Indiana Jones, I was obsessed with this tale of Victorian England and positive values. If you're thinking that I must have been the coolest, most popular preschooler on the block, brother are you ever right. Mickey's Christmas Carol wasn't one of the first versions of the story that I saw, but it's now one of my favorites. In fact, this theatrical short is probably the best thing Disney animation did between One Hundred and One Dalmatians in 1961 and the renaissance period begun with The Little Mermaid in 1989. What makes it so good? First is the artistry on display in the animation, which in style is far more akin to the earliest Disney classics than what was coming from the studio in the 70s and 80s. Second is the good use of existing Disney characters in A Christmas Carol's roles, particularly Mickey Mouse as Bob Cratchit, Goofy as Marley's ghost, and Scrooge McDuck as—surprise!—Ebenezer Scrooge. This allows for two things: the right amount of freedom and looseness in the characterizations and ...

[rating: 3] It's called Once Upon a Christmas but for the price of admission you get three separate cartoons featuring beloved Disney characters. Plus linking narration by battered husband Kelsey Grammer. Now that's what I call a Christmas bonus! DONALD DUCK: STUCK ON CHRISTMAS Despite what that title would have you believe, it's actually Donald's nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie who are stuck on Christmas. If Christmas is like Groundhog Day, Huey, Dewey and Louie are like a feathery, three-headed Bill Murray. Yes, the three ducklings make a wish that it could be Christmas every day and hey! presto! their wish is granted. As Tom Petty warned, it's Christmas all over again. And again and again and again. First the boys are thrilled by this development. Then they grow weary of the unceasing sameness. Then they realize that they can get up to all manner of ducky didoes without fear of reprisal and they take full advantage of that situation. But then, as you'd expect, they learn some Important Lessons. Their continual exposure to Christmas teaches them to eschew their selfish ways, that it's better to give than receive and the true meaning of Christmas is love and all that. The other moral imparted to Huey, Dewey and ...

[rating: 2.5] Christmas with the Kranks is the story of a neighborhood full of not very likable people, two of whom learn a valuable lesson about the importance of conformity. Jamie Lee Curits and Tim Allen are Nora and Luther Krank, a pair of empty nesters who decide, on the first Christmas without their daughter at home, to take the money and effort usually spent on the trappings of the holiday and spend it on a Caribbean cruise instead. Rather than string lights on an empty house and put up a tree they won't be there to enjoy, they plan to skip Christmas this year and enjoy themselves in warmer climes. As Luther explains to his coworkers, he's "not angry and [won't] yell 'humbug' at anyone offering holiday greetings," he's just not doing the Christmas thing. Now, I love Christmas decorations and cram my house with just about every piece of red and green crap you can name. They could slap a googly-eyed snowman on a home enema kit and I'd buy eight. But that's me. I'd never do it, but I can see that what they're planning is a perfectly reasonable thing for Luther and Nora to want to do. Not so their ...