Did all you guys know that they’ve made another godsbedamned Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? I just found out, and I wish I were making it up. Oh, how I wish.

Get a load of this trailer.

The most horrifying video since Faces of Death.First of all: Squeakquel? Come on! Not only should that title have been the first thing to go and whoever suggested it banned from Hollywood forever, but I’m sure we can all agree that squeaquel should be spelled without that k. It’s just cluttering up the place!Secondly: Who the fuck asked for this? Was it you? I know it wasn’t me. Is there a single person on the entire planet who liked Alvin and the Chipmunks at all, much less enough to long for a second picture? I have very little faith in humanity, but I can’t believe that anyone is that stupid.

If they had to make a sequel, they at least should have thrown out all the terrible mistakes they made the first time around, starting with the size of the chipmunks themselves. They worked in cartoon form because they were basically children. But when something that is actually the size of a rodent goes around kissing girls on the hand, it’s profoundly creepy.

I close with a plea to all the filmmakers of the world: STOP DOING SHIT LIKE THIS. Thank you.

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• Chipmunks Ahoy
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• Berry, Merry Christmas