So here are my snap judgments, since I know absolutely nothing about the fourth Indiana Jones picture aside from the title and the fact that Harrison Ford is a total dreamboat.

The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a terrible title and I think it’s indicative of a terrible story and here’s why. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was the weakest of the three and everyone knows it. In part, this is because that’s the movie George Lucas was most directly involved with and he’s insane, but mostly it’s because Indiana Jones works best with Christian-myth artifacts. I don’t know why. I personally don’t have any preference for Christianity over any other religion, but for whatever reason it makes for the best Indiana Jones quest.

Furthermore, Temple of Doom lacked three other elements that made the other two movies great. No Nazis, no Marcus, no Sallah. When it was announced that Karen Allen would reprise her role from Raiders, I heard all kinds of hoopdee-doo about it. I haven’t heard anything about these other elements. Denholm Elliott is 100% dead, so there goes any hope of having a Marcus Brody we care about. No one’s said anything to me about John Rhys-Davies (except in my dreams, where I imagine a 24 hour Sliders channel). And Nazis? Will there be Nazis? I think there won’t be, because Harrison Ford is obviously twenty years older than he was the last time we saw him. Are we to believe that the Nazis were still a major worldwide threat well into the late 1950s? Either the movie will be set earlier and we’ll wonder how Indy got so old so fast, or there won’t be Nazis and I’ll cry inside.

So it mostly looks like they’re fighting an uphill battle with this one. I still hold out hope it’ll be good though, and for one key reason: It’s Indiana motherfucking Jones.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
• Raiders of the Lost Ark
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
• Voyage of Discovery
• Five Days to Indy!