Lindsay Lohan has diseases.

That’s the only title which can be considered an appropriate response to the equally invalid, misleading, and disturbing claim made today by Ms. Lohan’s Lawyer, Blair Berk, who said:

“Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care.”

I couldn’t believe that quote when I read it.

Lohan, fresh out of rehab, was pulled over for the second time in as many weeks, drunk and possessing cocaine. This time, she was chasing and threatening the mother of her personal assistant.

In her defense, Ms. Berk uses the old standby of folks with weak will power and ineffective social support: the assertion that addiction is a “disease.”

Addiction is a nasty affliction. Addiction does affect you physically. Addiction is hard to beat, and it does ruin lives. Most of the time people suffering from an addiction do need help to beat it. But it’s far from a disease.

And calling it one is nothing more than an insult to people who have real, legitimate diseases.

You know, diseases are those things that can’t be ‘cured’ by deciding to stay home on Saturday nights. They’re those things which will eventually kill you, and require constant physiological attention to keep subdued. They’re conditions that won’t go away if you change with a little will power or lifestyle adjustments.

Ask someone with cancer how bad they feel for Lindsay Lohan’s struggle against partying.

And Berk minces no words. She tries to paint a picture for us of young Lohan laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all kinds of machines with her life in danger.

“Medical attention” my aching ass. She was strung out on blow and needs to drink some coffee and start renting movies.

And there’s no shortage of people willing to take the bullet for Lindsay. Her father is quoted in the same article as saying her trouble is his fault, because he used to be an alcoholic, and she learned her behavior from him.

You know what, Mr. Lohan? It IS your fault–it’s your fault that she doesn’t believe this is a big deal. Because you’re running around making excuses for her, while she’s never had it explained to why people don’t like this behavior.

And I’m as big a proponent of substance abuse as anyone else. I love alcohol and I’m cool with drug users. I don’t smoke, but I wish I did. I’m “hip,” and I believe in personal choice, freedom and individual consequences.

But getting high and attacking people? Not cool.

Drinking and driving?  Even worse.

It’s not the substances that control people like Lindsay Lohan, it’s that people like Lindsay Lohan can’t control themselves. Drugs as a scapegoat for irresponsibility is cheap, and attributing using those drugs to a false “disease” is nothing less than sickening.

If you can control yourself, you can control everything else. If you can’t, everything else is just an excuse.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Vanilla Coke: The Prodigal Return
• What’s the Deal With Jim Carrey?
• It’s an X-Files Party!