Please read this story immediately, because it’s the most excellent set of words ever assembled.

If you’re the sort who doesn’t like clicking on links, allow me to quote the opening sentence:

“Seven bulls being used on the set of a film starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz have broken free in Spain and slightly injured two people.”

Can you believe it? No less than seven angry mancows are rampaging across Iberia and it’s essentially Tom Cruise’s fault. Four out of five scientists agree, that is freakin’ hilarious. (Come on, it’s okay to laugh. They were only slightly injured.)

Now consider this further information:

The bulls “broke free from the downtown location and ran through streets to a nearby beach.”

They’re party animals, these bulls! They couldn’t wait to hit the beach. Soak up a few rays, ride the wild surf, maybe get in a few games of volleyball while “All Summer Long” blares from somebody’s boom box.

But most importantly, the article makes no mention the escaped bulls having been rounded up. And consider the tense in that opening sentence: “Seven bulls…have broken free.” Oh please oh please tell me these bulls are still on the loose, terrorizing townspeople before retreating to their hideout in the hills. Tell me they’ll come make nightly raids on the sleeping populace, burglarizing houses and committing acts property damage, until eventually they pass into legend, this roving gang of Cruise’s Mad Cows.

Please tell me that, on Cadiz’s local newscast tonight, a somber-faced anchor will tell his viewers that the bulls are still at large, and that if you see them you shouldn’t attempt to apprehend them as they are considered horned and dangerous.

Oh what a glorious time to be alive!

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