So Quantum of Solace, the upcoming 395th film in the James Bond series, is not going to have its title song sung by Amy Winehouse, who apparently can’t stop using drugs and getting in fights and recording songs that sound exactly like Easy Reader’s theme from The Electric Company. But check out what her producer said about this situation.

According to him, Winehouse is “not ready to record any music.” Okay fine, whatever. A track was started (I don’t know how much work was done on it), but in spite of that beginning he reports that it would take “some miracle of science” to complete the song.

Some miracle of science? That’s hilarious. Not “some miracle of hey maybe stop being an insane monstrosity of a woman.” No, no, it will take some miracle of science.

But perhaps I’m making too light of a situation that’s actually pretty serious. This statement, as bizarre and stupid as it is, may be indicative of a grander, more sinister plan, on the part of Winehouse’s producer. The signs point to his desire to do the whole Jaime Sommers thing with her and create an unholy robo-Winehouse, running fast and hearing whispers over great distances and being too strong to be stopped when she starts belting out her terrible, terrible music. Run for the hills! The Winehousepocalypse is nigh!

I guess Ben Stein was right: scientists really are amoral, maniacal demon-men intent on destroying society and murdering everyone.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• The Worst News Ever
• More Adventures with Superman
• Across the Universe
• Frosty Returns
• Top Five Christmas Albums