Rating:

What Happens in Vegas is Hollywood’s next entry in a seemingly endless string of romantic comedies which try to market themselves to both the male and female demographics.

The trailer is full of wild, loud party shots of the movie’s attractive stars living it up in glamorous Las Vegas, and then playing endless pranks on one another, each trying to drive the other one crazy after they’re forced to live together.

But I hope you weren’t actually interested in seeing those things the trailer promised, because the film is definitely chock full of everything but parties and pranks. In fact, steer clear of the film entirely if you hate the sort of movie that showed you all the “good parts” in the previews, because this one certainly fits that description.

What actually happens in the film is Cameron Diaz’s character gets dumped by her fiance, and Ashton Kutcher’s character gets fired from his job. They both go to Vegas to drown their sorrows, and end up getting married to each other. Then, they hit a $3 Million jackpot on their way out, right after they decided — for reasons which were never actually clear — that they hated one another.

So they try to get a divorce ASAP, with each one lobbying for the official rights to the money.

But the judge they seek a divorce from (played by Dennis Miller) is not in the mood for comedy. Which is good, because this film doesn’t offer much of it. Instead of letting them get divorced and split the money (or, better yet, award it to one of them), he sentences them to “Six months, hard marriage,” which is pretty much the only good line in the film.

After the ruling, the two move in together, and dedicate themselves to making each other miserable, in hopes that one of them will slip up and break the terms of their marriage in frustration.

Well, guess what. They don’t.

Instead, the inevitable happens, and they begin to fall in love. And why shouldn’t they? My only wish is that they would do it in a movie which was actually funny.

And here’s another drawback for you guys out there who want to see this movie because Cameron Diaz is hot: for whatever reason, her face looks like a catcher’s mitt. It’s ruddy, splotchy, and discolored.

I don’t want to say definitively that she’s had some bad plastic surgery, but just remember that if she had a Virginia Slim in her mouth and bad arthritis in her knees, she’d look exactly like my 50 year old landlord, who happens to be about 65 percent plastic.

Kutcher, for his part, turns in a flabby, bored performance, even for him.

And Rob Corddry, formerly of Daily Show fame, overacts, and is underutilized as Kutcher’s oddly older best friend. His jokes are so gimmicky and ham-handed, they stand out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of the script. You have to wonder if he perhaps wrote some of his own material. I would’ve advised him not to.

Another thing I would’ve advised against is this film’s dedication to the old formula of love lost, love found, love lost again, and love triumphant. By making this film more about the emotional journey of the characters than the comedy such a situation might allow, they blow almost all of their opportunities to make a decent movie.

Unlike classic “trapped in hell” flicks like The Money Pit, which did well because the comedy of the situation (ie. A terrible, run-down house) was milked throughout the film, What Happens in Vegas promises you a comedy chock full of Guys vs. Girls antics, filled with toilet seat stealing and urinating in the kitchen sink, then refuses to deliver anything but the bare minimum required to splice together an appealing trailer.

And maybe that’s the reason these half-measured comedies are so frustrating. The concept of being forced to live with someone you hate in order to keep millions of dollars is just too good to waste on formula and cliche.

The producers should’ve taken a note from Comedy Central’s coarse, rough new show about battling roommates, Kenny vs. Spenny. As much as I hate reality TV, at least then we’d have something genuine to watch.

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