The Tooth Fairy
Categories: Halloween Reviews, Movie Reviews
Written By: Eric Jensen
Rating: 
Well. That was pretty unimpressive. I think the word that best describes The Tooth Fairy—the one word that sums up every aspect of the whole thing—is simply: Meh. Not actively bad but by no means very good, it’s a completely flat and underwhelming nothing of a picture. There are images and sounds, but if you stop looking or listening somewhere in the middle you aren’t going to feel like you’ve missed out on anything. It’s meh, I tell you. Meh.
The movie doesn’t leave an impression of any kind on the viewer. I watched the thing twice and here is what I can remember of the plot. A family is at a house. There is a mean lady who apparently takes teeth, and if she takes them all you’ll die. Or maybe even if she takes one? Then there’s some neighbor lady who isn’t a killer but who dresses just like the killer, why I don’t know. There are some mean-spirited hillbillies, although what they add to the proceedings is beyond me. A dude with no money shows up. And I think there may also have been a ghost, perhaps? A ghost on a bike?
The cast is equally enigmatic. Who were they? What characters did they play? It would be impossible to say without looking it up, and there’s not a chance that’s gonna happen. Even to look it up on IMDB would be to put in way more effort than this picture deserves. Even though the performances aren’t bad enough to make you cringe, they’re not good enough to make you care. The actors might just as well have been robots or rod puppets. Every thing about this film is so flat and un-noteworthy that if you’re watching it and your eyes drift over to your wallpaper, it will likely be ten or fifteen minutes before you realize you’ve stopped looking at the screen.
Even the killing—that gratuitous violence for which I live—was run-of-the-mill standard fare. A dude got his wiener chopped off, that much I can recall. But the other deaths? They could have been in any of a hundred other slasher movies. When people are being maimed and murdered and I don’t even crack a smile, you know something has gone amiss.
So what exactly went wrong in the making of this picture? What happened to squander any potential there was in the story? Who the hell cares. Not I. This movie is just like a big void in space, total nothingness. I don’t want to spend any more time on it. If you want to know more, I believe that’s tough shit for you.
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