The Ruins
Categories: Halloween Reviews, Movie Reviews
Written By: Eric Jensen
Rating: 
When I saw the trailer for The Ruins, I didn’t really know what to make of it. I could tell there were going to be some people, and some peril, and probably some ruins. But just what the danger was, or how it manifested itself, or really what the movie was about…all that remained a mystery.
Then I actually saw the movie and discovered, to my dismay, that it is about some kids who go to some Central American ruins and are menaced by a sentient freaking plant. It’s Indiana Jones and the Little Shop of Horrors. I’m serious, I promise.
There are five characters trapped in the domain of the spooky plant. Well, that’s not strictly true; there are five people, but I would hardly call them characters. They’re more like slightly-animated cardboard cutouts, and if you’ve seen any movie ever you’ve seen them before. First are two couples, Clean-Cut b/w Blonde and Bushy-Hair b/w Brunette. Joining them is their new friend Foreigner. Together they wander around in the jungle and wind up at the titular ruins, the home of the deadly talking plant.
Oh, yeah, did I not mention that it’s a talking plant? It is.
Anyway, once these people find themselves in the realm of the freaky foliage, they’re not allowed to leave or something so they’re stuck. As if this weren’t problem enough, Foreigner manages almost immediately to fall and break his legs and spine. So Foreigner is in Urgent (HAR!) need of a hospital, Blonde and Brunette are annoying all the time, and Clean-Cut and Bushy-Hair don’t do anything at all in the course of the film that anyone would remember.The evil carnivorous talking plant attacks everybody a couple of times, leaving them bloodied and filthy; Foreigner in particular is a Dirty White Boy (HAR!). As time passes rescue seems more and more unlikely. The plant is closing in all the time and Foreigner’s condition is worsening; he develops a fever, leaving him Hot Blooded (HAR!), and it soon becomes apparent that they’re probably going to have to amputate his gross broken legs. Most of us would greet this news with shock and panic, but not this guy. He’s pragmatic and emotionally detached. Yes, Foreigner is Cold as Ice and willing to sacrifice his legs (HAR!!!).
Then I guess the plant attacks some more or whatever, some people die, some people don’t. I don’t really care much about this movie specifically. But I am very pleased by what it represents. Although the villain in this movie is a vicious vine and not a knife-wielding maniac, it’s still essentially a slasher movie. Our heroes are a group of attractive young people played by not very good actors, they go to a spooky and isolated location and are picked off one by one by the menace lurking in the shadows. One girl gets naked, there are some good gushy bits of splatter and gore, and in the end the girl who didn’t get naked survives. This is Friday the 13th 101 stuff, and I love it. I dearly hope this is indicative of a return to horror movies in the 1980s style: R-rated, one killing after another, gore played as much for cheers as for scares, and at least one healthy set of tits along the way.
So yeah, I didn’t like The Ruins much, but hopefully I’ll have it to thank for a lot of movies that I do.
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