Star Wars
Categories: AFI Reviews, Movie Reviews
Written By: Eric Jensen
Rating: 
The serious and objective part of my brain looks at AFI’s rating for Star Wars and thinks that, although the movie is undeniably great and groundbreaking and influential, the number 15 slot is probably way too high. Another part of my brain, though, thinks the hell with all that, because holy nut do I love Star Wars. That part of me is gonna win out today, and you can take that to the bank.
I’ve been a total, balls-to-the-wall Star Wars fan (of the original trilogy, that is) virtually my entire life. Any kind of sensible review, with legitimate analysis and appropriate discussion, is impossible. I can’t talk about the whole Joseph Campbell, mythological and archetypal aspects of it, or about the numerous movies, especially Akira Kurosawa films, to which it owes tremendous debts. I know about these things, having seen and heard and read gazillions of interviews and essays and commentaries about the movies. But any attempt to actually discuss them is futile; I get talking about Star Wars and pretty soon I’m just gushing about all my favorite parts of the movie. I have so much goodwill for the picture, and so many happy memories associated with it, that all I can do is present to you a list. A list of Things I Love About Star Wars.
The Droids
A pretty bold decision on the part of George Lucas was to have the beginning of the film focus entirely on relatively minor characters. Characters who are, in fact, robots! Is there anything quite so delicious as a pair of robots? I submit that there is not. The robots in question are See-Threepio and Artoo-Detoo. For those of you not in the know, the former is golden, bipedal and gay; the latter is squat and has a midget inside of him. Robots are great, yes, but the greatest kind of robot of all is undeniably the “midget stuffed into a trashcan” variety. The comical misadventures of this mismatched duo bring welcome levity to the proceedings. They’re also great characters for people who’ve never seen the films and for whom a movie like Star Wars would not usually be included in the viewing library. Just when a person not hip to the ways of sci-fi might be getting bogged down in all the talk of traveling through hyperspace and Jundland Wastes and galactic empires and bullseyeing womp rats, along come the droids to allow him to say “HA HA, THAT ONE ROBOT DONE SMACKED T’OTHER UPSIDE THE HAID!”
Princess Leia
She’s hot and that’s all there is to it. She has cinnamon buns on the sides of her head, it’s true, but who doesn’t enjoy a good cinnamon bun? In the long history of fine-lookin’ damsels in distress, Princess Leia may be the finest-lookin’ of them all. Even the fact that she sometimes develops a comically unconvincing British accent for no reason, fading it in and out of her speech seemingly at a whim, cannot detract from the fact that I wish she was my girlfriend. Maybe you don’t believe me. Maybe somehow you’ve gone through your life without knowing how hot Princess Leia is and you require some proof. To that end, let me give you this little taste:
If you don’t really watch movies about space aliens, this is a scene that will blow your mind, rock your world, and blank your blank in every other way possible. Every time you turn around, there’s a new weird looking alien ready to get up in your face and say “Hey there! I’m from s-s-s-s-space!” Bat-faced aliens! Hammerhead shark style aliens! A walrus alien who looks like he’s in the process of puking up his own ass (seriously!). A Jawa who says “Babaloo!” Satan! They’re all here in this cantina, a place described as a “wretched hive of scum and villainy.” If this is scum and villainy, well then…then I guess I think scum and villainy is pretty awesome. And then there’s the cantina band! They’re a pack of bug-eyed, bulbous headed freakings jamming on various instruments and tootling out the snappiest funky outer space circus music you’ve ever heard. You think I could make this stuff up?
Important true fact about the cantina band: In the Star Wars universe, their style of music is called “jizz wailing.”
This One Part Where Darth Vader Waves His Hand Around
Darth Vader is the baddest of the bad, the epitome of the merciless bloodthirsty supervillain. He’s scary and evil and would just as soon blow up your planet as look at you, but he’s also supremely cool. An audience loves to be compelled by the bad guy just as much as they love to cheer for the hero, and Darth Vader’s a bad guy you can really get behind. No other character has as much power to make me want to surrender fully to the forces of evil and spend the rest of my days slaughtering the innocent; he makes being evil seem so very bad ass. What you might not know about Darth Vader, though, is that there’s this one moment in Star Wars where he shakes his hand around in the air for no readily apparent reason. It’s a gesture akin to the one you’d make if you were saying “that’s a spicy meat-a-ball!” But the thing is, Vader’s not saying that. In fact, he’s not saying anything at all, he’s just gesticulating wildly apropos of nothing. The moment comes as Vader is talking to Moff Tarkin on the Death Star. It’s just after he says “I told you she would never consciously betray the Rebellion.” Before it cuts to Tarkin saying “Terminate her immediately,” Vader finishes talking, stares at Tarkin for a second, and then raises his hand up in the air and starts shaking it here and there like a man doing a tiny, hand-intensive dance. It is awesome, I assure you.
Oh yeah, plus there’s explosions and magic space wizards and Harrison Ford and action-packed aerial dogfights. But, whatever, the point is Star Wars is great and if you don’t watch it at least once a week you are a terrible person. Like, Hitler terrible.
If you don’t like Star Wars, you will also totally hate:
If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:
- Easy Rider
- Improving the Prequels
- Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
- Wednesday Top Ten: Superior Sequels
- Ninja Turtles in 2011!
