Rating:

I’m not gonna lie to you: Raiders of the Lost Ark might be my favorite movie. It’s definitely the movie I’ve seen the most times. In fact, I’ve probably seen it more times than Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi put together. Crammed into its two hours is each and every one of the elements I look for in a movie, and once they start coming they never stop.

What makes it kick so much ass? God, where to begin. It’s got people climbing on speeding trucks; it’s got swordfights; it’s got gunplay; it’s got drinking games; it’s got boulders a-chasin’ people; it’s got creepy ghosts. It’s even got John Rhys-Davies! Could you ask for anything more? If you could, you would reveal yourself to be a greedy asshole who is impossible to satisfy.

The movie also has Karen Allen in it as Marion Ravenwood. In case your mind flashes back to Animal House, I will tell you this much: unlike in that raunch-comedy, in Raiders of the Lost Ark you do not see her buttcheeks. You can take that as a boon or a detriment depending on your tastes.

Okay, this review’s getting all over the place. That’s what happens when I try to talk about Raiders. I get so excited that I can’t think straight and I just start blurting out my favorite parts while hooting and hollering like the audience on Arsenio Hall. Before much time passes I lose the ability to engage in rational discourse and I just start shouting “OMFG, that guy wears a hat and climbs on submarines!” But let’s try to talk about the story before I completely go bonkers.

There’s this Ark of the Covenant thing, you see. Those biblical Hebrews thought it was really pretty important, so they carried it around a lot before finally putting it in a hole in the ground, which they then lost. Some thousands of years later, the Nazis (BAD GUYS) say to themselves: “Hey! We should get us an Ark of the Covenant!” So they go off looking for it, under the impression that it will make them indestructible and that Nazis trying to use the ultra-powerful instrument of the god of the Jews will not in any way backfire. Some Americans (GOOD GUYS) decide they should probably make an effort to stop Hitler from becoming invincible, so they call on archaeologist extraordinaire Indiana Jones to find the Ark before the Nazis do. And off he goes!

From that point until the end of the film, Indy has, by conservative estimate, some fifteen billion separate awesome adventures. He swings from a whip, he fires his gun with reckless abandon, and he punches people so hard that the sound of the impact is practically as loud as a sonic boom. And he does it all while looking like a True Champion. The closest I’ve ever come to falling in love with a man is with Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones.

And remember the time he’s in a big hole full of snakes? I do! I remember it clearly because it is mad crazy awesome. Thousands of snakes are crawling all about and giving everyone the jibblies and it’s great! That sequence, and in particular the image of Indy coming face to face with one pissed off cobra, instantly became an iconic movie moment, defining for a generation exactly what was meant by the term Action-Adventure.

Okay, it’s happening. All my brain will do is think about how incredible Indiana Jones is, as close to perfection as any moviegoing experience comes. I’m losing the ability to come up with words. My mind is becoming transformed into nothing but a beaming ball of delight at the thought of reliving this mindblowing adventure. So you don’t need me to keep writing stuff; just take my word for it and go watch Raiders of the Lost Ark. I can’t think of anything that could make a person happier.

If you don’t like Raiders of the Lost Ark, you will also totally hate:

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Thoughts on Indy 4
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
• Five Days to Indy!
• Voyage of Discovery