Rating:

Once in a great while a movie comes along that fills a void in your life that you weren’t even aware existed. I thought I’d been living a full and rich existence, one that didn’t lack anything significant. But then I saw Pelts and was forever changed. Before I knew about Pelts, I never even imagined that I could see the wonders it contains. Many was the time I thought to myself, “I have seen everything I need to see in order to die happy and fulfilled.” You’ve probably thought that yourself, but only because you don’t yet understand just how much you need to see this movie. To the best of my knowledge, it’s the only opportunity you’ll ever have to see a film about magic space raccoons that cause everyone who comes in contact with them to mutilate themselves and, as an added bonus, they enable Meat Loaf to violently bang a stripper up the ass.

But more about that later. Pelts is a short film featured as an episode of Showtime’s largely excellent Masters of Horror series, each episode of which is a new film from big name directors and writers in the genre. This entry has Dario Argento at the helm, and if any director is deserving of the title “Master of Horror,” he’s the one. I sincerely doubt there is any other director who could make a horror film this crotch-poundingly righteous. But best of all, the fact that Pelts has a legendary director isn’t even the most awesome thing about it.

Hold on to your hats, folks, because this movie stars Mr. “Paradise By the Dashboard Light” himself, Meat Loaf, as the creepiest anal sex obsessed coat maker in the world. His plan is to use the fur from magic space raccoons to make a coat for this stripper he’s particularly fond of in an attempt to get her to let him roger her bum (an attempt which succeeds in a big way!). Of course, first Meat Loaf has to actually acquire these magic raccoon pelts, so he steals them from a fur trapper played by none other than John Saxon, who unfortunately has his face pounded in with a baseball bat shortly before Meat Loaf arrives.

And then the great stuff really starts. The space raccoons, you see, are none too pleased about having been killed for their fur, so they exact terrible revenge from beyond the grave on everyone who has dealings with their fur. Best of all, the revenge comes in grand eye-for-an-eye fashion, with each victim’s suffering akin to the violence they inflicted on the raccoons. The trappers get trapped, the stitchers get stitched, that sort of thing. And since Meat Loaf is the master coat maker…well, you’d have to see it to believe it. Even if I told you, you’d think I was making it up, that nothing could ever be that amazingly wonderful. But trust me: it is a sight to behold. It’s the kind of gruesome death that makes me want to write love poems to murder—not to murderers, but to the very concept of murder itself.

Oh murder dear, I love you so!
To have you near makes my heart go
Pitter pitter pitter pat
And other heartbeat sounds like that.
Violent death doth make me smile,
Cracking spines and spewing bile.
A pickaxe in the face? Okay!
I love murder every day!

Oh, yeah, I promised you anal stripper sex. Well, you’ll get it! All through the picture, Meat Loaf is soliciting/stalking a stripper, and in particular he is wholly (HA!) obsessed with her butt. Meat Loaf desperately wants this girl to promote him to the rank of Rear Admiral, and to that end he offers her the opportunity to model his new magic coat at an upscale fashion show. Since it’s a chance to break away from stripping and get into legitimate modeling, the girl accepts his offer. Once the coat starts working its mojo on her, she submits to Meat Loaf’s sweaty anal intrusion. From there her day only gets worse, but you’ll have to experience the climax (DOUBLE HA!) of the movie for yourself. It is not a thing to be missed.

Hey, I almost forgot! Earlier on in the picture, there’s a really gritty, in-your-face (on-your-face?) lesbian sex scene! For reals, people, drop what you’re doing and see this movie. Now.

If you don’t like Pelts, you will also totally hate:

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Family
• Saw Series in a Nutshell
• Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner