Rating:

Any time somebody says something like “That was the worst movie of all time,” you know that they’re really just engaging in hyperbole and so that kind of statement is really pointless. But, pointless or not, I’m gonna go ahead and call Pledge This! the single most terrible thing to have ever been captured on film, including the Kennedy assassination. No other movie could be more painfully awful. By all quantifiable methods, this is without a doubt the absolute worst piece of crap in this or any other universe. I fucking hate this movie.

You’d think the National Lampoon folks would know a thing or two about crafting college raunch comedies; they did, after all, give us the single greatest example of the genre. But apparently the entire creative wad was shot on Animal House and everything else has just been worthless. And Pledge This! is the most worthless of them all.

The “story,” such as it is, revolves around a crop of freshman girls who need a place to stay when their dormitory is closed following a feces-spewing toilet explosion. (If you think that when this toilet explodes, there is not a fat girl using it, then you obviously know nothing about writing movies full of overused, trite jokes. Lucky you.) The girls are ultimately forced to pledge the Gamma Gamma sorority—allegedly the hottest sorority on campus, but not in any way I was able to detect—just to get a place to live.

And who are these girls? Believe me, a more original and unhackneyed crop of characters there has never been! In addition to the aforementioned fat girl, there is also a tough girl, a foreign girl with a funny accent, a sex obsessed older woman, a lesgian who’s always hitting on the others, a black girl (but don’t panic! She’s not really that black), and one girl who’s called a loser but looks just like the girls in the “hot” sorority so the audience will accept her having a love story. Truly, these characters will endure through the ages.

Of course, you’re no doubt wondering why this sorority loaded with the most beautiful people at the college would be willing to take in this bunch of unfortunates. Well, don’t worry, the screenwriters almost thought of that, too, and so there’s an absurdly convenient contest to be named some magazine’s “hottest sorority in the country,” the requirements of which include embodying diversity. Luckily for the losers, diversity is described as “nerds, geeks, scientists.” Clearly, the filmmakers did not want any black people shuffling about the set and leaving watermelon rinds all over their movie.

Unfortunately, one dimensional characters, inherent racism and jokes so painfully unfunny they actually gave me squamous cell carcinoma are not even the worst things about this movie. I hope you’re sitting down because you will be shocked when I reveal to you that the ostensible star of this picture is Paris Goddamn Hilton. You heard me. Cigar store Indians give performances more full of life! Most of her lines are presented as voice-overs because the few lines she actually does deliver on screen are about as convincing as Shatner’s Wrath of Khan toupee. And get this shit: her character is supposed to be the hottest girl at school, the very apex of attractive young womanhood. Can you believe that? Paris Hilton, the dog-faced monstrosity! The disgustingly angular and bony beast from beyond space! And that nose! I could puke just thinking about her.

I haven’t even gotten around yet to mentioning the pointless, go-nowhere subplots involving some guy’s efforts to get laid and Paris’ put-upon boyfriend, but remembering Paris Hilton has sucked the life and energy right out of me. In closing, I instead offer you this knock knock joke.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Paris.
Paris who?

There’s no punchline. It’s just that in a perfect world, we’d all of us be saying “Paris who?”

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Black Christmas
• Easy Rider
• The Worst News Ever
• Halloween: Resurrection
• TV Comedy Has No Excuse