Rating:

There are 400 people in this film. There are nine storylines, separate yet interwoven, all unrelenting in their frenzied quest to somehow prove that, believe it or not, people sometimes fall in love.

It would be kind to this film to say that the nine storylines were nothing more than nine clichés—no, no, there are several more tidy clichés to be found within the nine individual clichéd storylines. In all, I’d say the number of predictable, perfunctory, see-it-coming-a-mile-away moments in the film is closer to three thousand.

Ever see a horror film that closely parallels an old urban legend about how “she died five years ago” or “the call is coming from inside the house,” and think to yourself “man, I can’t believe they actually made a whole movie out of that stupid Twilight Zone twist ending”? Well, you’ll feel exactly like that after you see Love, Actually—only worse, because horror films usually have something at least remotely eye-catching or interesting in happening in them.

Instead, this is a film filled with people giving each other flowers and cooking each other dinner. Perhaps they thought setting these events during Christmas would lend the stories flair. Let me rephrase that: Obviously they thought it would lend the stories flair.

Hugh Grant plays the Prime Minister of Great Britain who, in a truly magical and unpredictable way, manages to kindle a relationship with one of his employees. Because that’s so rare.

Liam Neeson is a weepy widower with a son who’s slipping further away from him as a result, and he musters every impulsive bone in his body to shock the world by falling in love with an old schoolmate.

Alan Rickman is a rich publisher contemplating an extramarital affair with his hot assistant, before he realizes what a good thing he’s got at home. Colin Firth is a bumbling writer who accidentally seduces his Portuguese assistant, even with a language barrier between them—oh, the excitement.

Bill Nighy is an aging, cynical rock star who is disillusioned by his career, his fans, and women in general, before the magical success of his new Christmas single warms his heart and helps him to realize that he really does love someone: his friend and long time manager, Joe. Except not in a gay way, because uptight women in “flyover America” were the film’s target audience, and I guess they weren’t expected to take too kindly to the idea that gay men would “officially” fall in love with each other—or, worse, that men wouldn’t fall in love with them, in exactly the manner presented in this film.

But what manner are these stories of love presented in, anyway? Did you notice anything repeating in the story summaries I just provided you?

How about the fact that almost none of these men fall in love with someone who’s not on their payroll? If you didn’t notice that, then don’t watch the film. Chances are you’ll be far too entertained by the earth-shattering idea of a film having more than one plotline to interpret the subtle nuances which should make you hate it.

Anyway, I can’t even begin to describe to you the particulars of this film’s standard dreck and boilerplate, which make it about as predictable as a haircut and half as entertaining. It has everything from a guy serenading a woman with a stereo to a couple falling bemusedly headlong into a lake. Merely thinking about making a list of all the gag-inducing moments is giving me shivers, and I refuse to do it.

Of course, the one area where they clearly made an effort to mix things up is in the “love conquers all” theme of the film. Love conquers all sorts of things between these men and their subordinates. Prime Minister Hugh Grant’s love conquers class, as he deigns to date a poor caterer from the poor part of town. Rich writer Colin Firth’s love conquers language, as he somehow manages to love an attractive Spanish woman who can’t speak to him and adores his writing. Liam Neeson’s love conquers race, as he actually falls in love with a black woman.

Like I said, though—no gays unless you stretch to interpret Bill Nighy’s platonic relationship as what it was probably originally written as: a homosexual love story.

The most curious thing is that you’d think a film consisting of several little vignettes about a topic as basic and wide-open as “love” would at least attempt to avoid the level of cliché and banality that this one presents. On the contrary, the film appears to celebrate it. As if the familiarity is supposed to be heartwarming. As if its commonplace nature adds to the whimsy.

I assure you, it does not.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Mickey’s Christmas Carol
• The Wizard of Oz
• I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
• The Simpsons Movie