Rating:

This film is a pleasure to watch. I’m just going to come out and say it. It’s charming, it’s funny, it’s about Christmas, and the weird looking little kid who stars in it tricks you into thinking that he’s cute.

Most of all, it reminds you of how awesome it is for everyone to be gone and for you to have the whole house to yourself. Watch what you want, wear what you want, eat what you want — and it’s five times better if you’re a little kid, meaning you wear pajamas, watch violent movies, and eat ice cream, instead of sitting around naked, watching porn and drinking beer, as an adult would do.

Ah, the innocence of youth.

Anyway if you don’t know the plot, all you really need to do is ask yourself: what would be the most awesome thing ever? Chances are, whatever you come up with is going to be pretty close to the experiences of young Kevin McAllister (MaCaulay Culkin–what the hell kind of name is this?)

Kevin has a crazy family, who, as families will do, just love to ignore and walk all over the young kids (Kevin). Well, after an evening of getting shit on and acting like a total brat (though somewhat justified), he just wishes that they’d all die a torturous, fiery death involving fingernail removal, lemon juice and gasoline.

Well, not exactly–the movie is rated PG, after all. So he just wishes they’d disappear. And then they do! Oh joyous day, everyone in the world who sucks has up and disappeared!

Kevin has a big party involving jumping on beds and microwave popcorn, because no one misses those assholes. I mean, we’re in the audience, so we know that the family just completely forgot about Kevin and flew off to France, because they’re total dickasses. So who needs ‘em.

Eventually, Kevin’s party has to come to an end, because two burglars named Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern want to break into his house. And what follows is a third act that had every child in America grounded for dumping buckets of water on their parents’ heads and making them step on really really sharp things.

As Joe and Dan try to get into the house, little Kevin actually doesn’t get shot. Not even a little bit. Instead, he hits them in the face with paint cans, makes them slip on Micro Machines, takes their socks off and sets their heads on fire.

Here’s where the film pretty much stops being good. I know, I know, it’s an immortal concept and everybody loves the fact that he totally ruins these two losers shit, but I submit that the third act of this film stands up to exactly Zero repeat viewings.

While I could watch little Kevin hang out and get into mischief while his parents are away for about five hours, just twenty minutes of this overacted, annoying-scream-filled, repetitively unfunny, laboriously filled with physical humor drivel has me ready to go put in Love, Actually just so I can see something original.

And just so you know how repetitive this climax really is, Love, Actually is a movie that I have nicknamed The Cliche Parade, and it isn’t original at all. No. Not at all.

But you do perk up at the end. Not really because it’s all heartwarming with old shovel men and mom’s journey home and stuff, but because of a man named John Williams.

John Williams is a composer of film scores who is just about the greatest thing since Elvis Presley. He does every score for every film that’s any good, and even though like 50% of them sound alike, those songs which fill up the other 50% will be the most magical, soaring, uplifting, exciting, intriguing music that you will ever hear.

Jaws, Star Wars, E.T., Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park, Superman, Harry Potter. And that’s just a list of the movies I know will make you say “Wow, he did that? I remember that music!” There’s like 900 other great movies that he’s composed for, and you owe him your whimsy and nostalgia. All of it. Just know that.

Anyway, I’m willing to say that this movie wins you back over in the end because of John Williams’ Somewhere in my Memory, a song which was nominated for an Academy Award, but deserved two nominations, if such a thing were possible. Oh, wait–it was nominated for two Oscars.

Eat your heart out, Eminem.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
• Voyage of Discovery
• Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
• The Problem with Home Video
• Die Hard 2