Rating:

If you’re at all like me, you can’t think “Christmas” without thinking “Dark comedy about wee green monsters that destroy suburbia.” Unfortunately, very few people are at all like me. But you’re gonna hear about Gremlins nonetheless, so learn to deal with it.

I ask you, is there anyone out there who didn’t want a mogwai as a pet after seeing this movie? Of course there isn’t. Everyone wants one of these adorable little guys to take home and call your own. I spent many an hour going over in my head the speech I’d make if I ever encountered the old Chinese shopkeeper. “I promise I’ll take real good care of him, mister. I’ll keep him out of the light and I’ll feed him every day but never after midnight, and I swear I won’t get him anywhere near water. Whaddaya say, mister, can I have one, please?” Of course, mogwai-related pleas to stern Asian junkmen always fall on deaf ears, and so I still don’t have a little pet gremlin. But one day. One glorious day, I’ll have one of my own.

The movie that made us all decide we wanted these mysterious pets, aside from being just plain great, is something of an eighties extravaganza. Everyone you need for an “eighties movie” is here. We’ve got Marty’s grandma from Back to the Future. We’ve got the dude who sold guns to the Terminator and the dude who said “Dong, where is my automobile?” And let’s not forget about Corey Feldman. Then, of course, there’s Phoebe Cates, owner of The Boobs That Wore Out a Million Pause Buttons in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And it even has Judge Reinhold!

Our main character is Billy (Zach Galligan), whose father (Hoyt Axton, if you can believe it) gives him a mogwai named Gizmo as a Christmas present. Gizmo’s tiny and furry and just as cute as a button, and he sings and he wears festive Santa hats and oh lord I want one, why won’t you let me have one, Shopkeep? In any case, everyone’s informed of the three important rules—no sunlight, no water, no midnight snackery—and then Billy and his friends proceed to immediately start breaking those rules. Before you know it, Gizmo gets wet and poops out some babies and pretty soon we’re up to our elbows in more mogwai. Not long after that, Billy totally screws up and feeds them after midnight and they all turn into slimy green gremlins. All except Gizmo, of course; he’s too cute and noble and awesome to want to turn into a bad guy and I want him to be the best man at my wedding.

Soon the gremlins are wreaking havoc all over the sleepy hamlet of Kingston Falls, and that is when the movie gets incredible. Everywhere you turn, gremlins are firing guns and smoking cigarettes and swinging from ceiling fans and watching Snow White and re-enacting scenes from Flashdance. When the gremlins start getting into their special brand of mischief, the movie basically turns into a giant cartoon, and I love that about it. A bunch of slimy monsters who ruin Christmas might be a hard movie for some people (not me, but some people) to accept. But once the movie announces to the world: “Hey, we knowthis is crazy!” you can’t help but be on board, laughing all the way.

Also of note is the referential quality of the picture. For the careful viewer, there are inside references to Hollywood and old movies and cartoons just about every time you turn around. Animator Chuck Jones makes a cameo in one scene, for example, and references to It’s a Wonderful Life throughout the picture are almost too numerous to mention. What it all comes down to is that Gremlins is a cute, hilarious movie that’s a great one to watch early in the holiday season as a sort of warm-up, easing you in to the Christmas spirit.

EXTRA WARNING: This movie contains a scene where Billy’s girlfriend Kate (Phoebe Cates) tells a story about a tragedy that once befell her on Christmas. To a savvy viewer, this scene is hilarious; it’s too grotesque and melodramatic and over the top to be anything else. For a young kid seeing the movie, however, be warned: This scene not only lets the cat out of the bag about a certain jolly old elf, it does so in a pretty horrific way. My advice is to watch the movie with your kids, but stage an elaborate coughing fit during this scene to distract them. Or, if that isn’t your style, you can pretend to “accidentally” sit on the remote control and mute the TV. Whichever you decide, one thing is clear: Deceiving small children is an important part of Christmas.

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• Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey
• White Christmas
• The Truth About Paul McCartney