Rating:

Number twenty-five my fat, bepimpled ass! How can E.T. be at number twenty-five? Can you honestly think of twenty-four movies that are better than this? Of course not! Nobody can! E.T. is a top ten film for sure. What movie has touched more hearts and set more imaginations soaring? E.T. tops Steven Spielberg’s already impressive resume because it’s a movie that embraces you completely and draws you in, heart and mind. If you don’t cry when E.T. dies and have your hopes reborn when he comes back, only to cry all the more when he goes home with an “I’ll be right here,” then you are dead inside with a heart as black as coal and that’s all there is to it. The movie captures the spirit of both the child and the child inside, and it does it effortlessly, making it look as though getting an audience to invest emotionally in a rubber puppet is as easy as falling off a log.

We all know what the movie’s about (and I just told you that E.T. dies, is resurrected and flies back into space in a giant Christmas tree ornament, so if you didn’t know…oops!) and we all know that it’s awesome, so there’s no point in a real review. Any attempt by me to be objective would ultimately fail anyway, leaving me so overcome with love for the film that I could write no more than “OMG THIS MOVIE ROXORZ, IS HE A PIG HE SURE EATS LIKE ONE LOL!” But despite the fact that I love this movie so much it turns me into (more of) a babbling moron, AFI declares it to be only the twenty-fifth best, with movies such as 2001 and Singin’ in the Fuckin’ Rain coming in ahead of it. Therefore, there must have been something about E.T. that the folks at the American Film Institute just felt wasn’t up to snuff. In an effort to figure out just what the hell prompted this decision, let’s dig deep and look at some of the flaws this movie, great though it is, suffers from.

All Hollering, All the Time
For a person such as myself, who goes through life with a constant headache, nothing is quite as painful a dagger in the brain as the sound of children at play. And this film is just chock full of kids making as much noise as is possible. Henry Thomas as Elliott and Drew Barrymore as Gertie have voices of crystal-shattering shrillness, and they both spend approximately 98% of their screen time yelling, whether at each other, the rest of the family members, the television, barns, trees, or E.T. himself. And when they shriek at E.T., he has no qualms about stretching out his neck and shrieking right back. Perhaps the only sound more grating than the eardrum rending call of a wild Drew Barrymore is the yell of a squat spaceman. Here is a typical scene from the film:

Elliott: Hey, I found me this alien.
Gertie (yelling): AAAAAAAAAHHH!
Elliott (yelling): AAAAAAAAAAGGHHGHH!
E.T. (perplexed, yelling): AAAAAAAAGH!
Michael (yelling): Why’s everybody yelling so much? AAAAARRRGHHH!

The Drew Barrymore Factor
Yes, Drew is cute here, and largely inoffensive (apart from squealing like a piglet trod upon by John Goodman). If this were all there were to the Drew Barrymore story, we’d doubtless all think of her fondly. Alas, this is not the case. You can’t watch her performance in E.T. without being reminded of the foul brimstone reek of movies like Firestarter, 50 First Dates, Charlie’s Angels, Ever After and…well, just about every other movie she’s appeared in. It’s not fair to judge something by what came after it, but when you see Drew you can’t help but remember that she’s been in at least two Adam Sandler pictures.

Oh My God, Are They Playing Dungeons and Dragons?
Early in the film, Elliott and his friends are seen playing some manner of game that, if not Dungeons and Dragons exactly, is clearly meant to bring it to mind. I’m quite certain that if God ever decides to call someone up for another mountaintop meeting and dole out some new commandments, the first one he adds is going to be “Thou shalt not bring to mind Dungeons and Dragons.”

E.T. Home Phone
That’s no typo, folks. As E.T. prepares to tell his new earth-friend the plan he’s devised, he strikes a pose, opens his mouth and says: “E.T. home phone.” Home phone? What’s that shit? Immediately afterward, Elliott turns it around and says it as the more familiar “E.T. phone home.” But when E.T. himself first makes the remark, in what should be an iconic moment, he says it all ass backward. I can see how a movie not being able to successfully deliver its own catch phrase would knock it back a few points in the AFI list-making process.

Why No Guns N’ Roses?
The soundtrack for E.T. is alarmingly free of the music of GN’R. I realize the flick hit theaters in 1982 and Guns N’ Roses’ small debut pressing of Live ?!*@ Like a Suicide didn’t come along until 1986, but still. That is no excuse.

So yes, these are some critical flaws. But are they critical enough to bump the picture all the way down to number twenty-five on the list? This reporter thinks not. In fact, there is one line, spoken by Elliott, that is so fantastic that the movie would still be a classic even if the rest of it were no better than Heaven’s Gate. I’m sure you remember the line just as well as I do, so feel free to say it with me. In fact, stand up and shout it with me: “It was nothin’ like that, Penis-Breath!”

You’re gonna tell me twenty-four movies can top that?

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
• Thoughts on Indy 4
• Looks Like I Don’t Get to See Whatever Works
• Raiders of the Lost Ark
• Missed Opportunity