Rating:

Last time I took stock of the situation, I was still technically what is known, in medical parlance, as a dude. Speaking as a representative of dudes everywhere, I feel safe in asserting that the major disadvantage to the Christmas season is the lack of swearing. Think about it: You never see claymation specials where Santa says, “Jesus Christ, his fuckin’ nose is glowing!” Therefore, it’s important that we examine one of the few entries in the holiday lexicon that’s chock full of cussin’ and that truly appeals to those of us whose mental functions are impeded by testosterone. And so I give you Die Hard (German for “The Hard”).

For my money, Die Hard is the very peak achievement in the field of R rated action movies. It’s got explosions and gunfire and nonstop murdercusses, of course, and it’s also noteworthy that it doesn’t fall prey to the extreme homoeroticism that beset so many action pictures in the 80s—Bruce Willis doesn’t take his shirt off until he absolutely has to and, while he makes a new male best friend with whom he bonds deeply, his primary motivation throughout the story is saving the life of his semi-estranged wife. Add that to the abundance of snappy comebacks and the presence of Carl Winslow from Family Matters and you’ve got one hell of a movie.

The story is pretty typical for an action movie, really: a bunch of bad guys take thirty unsuspecting people hostage in a brand new skyscraper during and office Christmas party. (See? Christmas movie!). All would be lost if not for one man, our hero, who’s forced to take on the criminals single handedly and save the day. You’ve seen it before, but you’ve never seen it done quite this well before or since.

Who are these hostage-taking baddies? They’re a band of twelve terrorists, mostly German, and we know they’re evil because some of them have beards. The leader is Hans (Alan Rickman), who does indeed have facial hair, but at least he keeps his well trimmed. Other terrorists include the second-in-command Karl (Goldilocks), Theo (The Black One Who Knows About Sports), the old guy, the Texas a-hole, the one who looks like a girl, the blond wiener (Goldilocks’ brother), some guys with dark hair, and Genghis Khan. They might seem like a ragtag bunch of fruits, but we know they mean business because they almost immediately kill a defenseless security guard, a guy who never did any harm to anyone and had obviously taken many years of Looking Like John Larroquette lessons.

Our hero, on the other hand, is none other than Mr. Bruce Willis himself as John McClane, a New York cop who came out to this Christmas party in L.A. to spend the holidays and try to smooth things over with his wife, a bigshot in the office building. McClane is the ultimate reluctant hero. He’s just a regular schlub like you and me—the kind of simple, down-to-earth guy who doesn’t take kindly to the west coasts loosey-goosey attitudes about strange men coming up to him and kissing him on the cheek. He’s not some kind of crazy superhero who relishes the idea of going up against a team of heavily armed crooks, he’s just a dude what wants to rescue the woman he loves. McClane doesn’t come loaded with James Bond style gadgets and, until the point where he ties a firehose around his waist and jumps off a roof, he doesn’t really do anything that’s summer-movie-crazy. He gets by on his ingenuity and skills, and it makes him a hero we can identify with and really get behind, and it’s him that the whole movie really hangs on. Plus, he’s got a sarcastic demeanor and a fondness for the f-word, so we know he’s all right, especially when he combines those two qualities to deliver his immortal catchphrase: “Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.” I ask you, what has ever happened in the history of civilization that is more awesome than that?

Sure, Die Hard’s bread and butter is gunfire murder and violence and all that good stuff, but it’s more than just being set on Christmas Eve that qualifies it as a Christmas movie. What really justifies including it in your yuletide merriment is the overall feeling it has of joyousness. McClane is always ready to make a joke even when the chips are down and his perserverance and spirit help others keep joyful thoughts as well. Heck, even the terrorists act happy as clams when it looks like they’re going to get their money—Beethoven’s Ode to Joy even plays on the soundtrack, that’s how delighted these dudes are. You can tell in virtually every scene that the filmmakers thought: “This movie is gonna rock so hard. Let’s have a great time making it.” That happiness and positive attitude come through in a big way.

In short, there’s simply no better way to kick off your Christmas season than by snuggling up with a loved one by a warm fire, pouring yourself some hot cocoa, and letting Die Hard blow you through the wall of your house. I can think of no other Christmas movie that has the word “buttfucked” and features almost twenty violent deaths, and you’d better believe I can think of no other Christmas movie that’s anywhere near as fun.

Special Bonus Feature
Hilarious variations on a catchprhase include:”Yippee ki yay, Mister Falcon!”
“Have a nice day, melon farmer!”
“Happy Pi Day, mammer jammer!”
“Crample-o-stow, Mary Fairy!”
“Heard him exclaim, ‘Merry Christmas!’”

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Die Hard 2