Rating:

Date Movie is an incredible achievement in the motion picture business, a truly groundbreaking film of astounding accomplishment. It’s a comedy that manages to contain not a single laugh from the moment it starts from the moment the credits finish their roll. Schindler’s List had more thigh-slappers. I cracked a smile more often during my last bladder infection.

What the hell happened to the spoof-laden nonsense comedy? Long gone are the high quality gagfests of the days of Airplane! and The Naked Gun, it seems. Those movies were able to have stories that were subservient to the gags while still maintaining an obvious through-line. Date Movie, on the other hand, wanders aimlessly from one joke to another—or, at least, they are alleged to be jokes—without ever really letting you understand why you’re watching them. Sometimes it cuts from one meaningless thing to another you can’t help but wonder if something was cut out, or if somehow your DVD player is randomly shuffling the order of the chapters. So, what I’m saying is, it’s a piece of crap in terms of being a movie you can watch from one point to another.

But, to be fair, it’s also a piece of crap in terms of being amusing. The other titles I mentioned had jokes that were actually funny. They were silly and juvenile, to be sure, but they were done in such a way as to actually entertain. When a movie was spoofed, it was always justified in at least some marginal way. Here, unfortunately, various parodies seem just cobbled together at random, and they’ve been going on for a few moments before the audience even realizes what’s happening. It leaves you scratching your head and asking “What in the hell just happened and why?”

Date Movie sucked ass so hard that I think my soul actually left my body and descended to hell just to improve its circumstances. In spite of the fact that the picture had a couple of comic actors I otherwise enjoy, I have no choice but to recommend that everyone involved with this film, on screen and off, be murdered in brutal fashion. Cut out the intestines and nail them to the wall, slice off the genitals and cram ‘em in the eye sockets, shoot them in the kneecaps a time or two. And that’s just for starters.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Looks Like I Don’t Get to See Whatever Works
• Yankee Doodle Dandy
• Cannes Likes Indy! …sort of
• It’s a Wonderful Life
• Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter