Rating:

Holy freaking jesus is this a turd. My memory of it from childhood was that it was pretty awesome, but I attribute that to my youthful obsession with all things vampiratic and my inability to accept, at that tender young age, that something featuring Count Fucking Dracula could suck so much ass. But it does. Imagine the largest, dirtiest ass you’ve ever had the displeasure to know, and that is what this movie sucks. It sucks that much ass, I tells ya. And it sucks it with joy and relish. The happiness kind of relish and the pickle kind.

I hate this movie so much I don’t even know where to begin. My thoughts are all a-jumbled in my head, all the various terrible aspects of the movie competing to be the primary focus of my rage. I should probably start with a numbered list of all the things that are so bad, just to sort of get my ideas in order.

What Sucks About Bram Stoker’s Dracula
1. EverythingWell, shit, that didn’t help. It’s almost impossible to talk about single aspects of the film because whenever you start to focus on one thing, something else chimes in: “Hey, don’t forget about me! I’m shitty too!” I mean, they cast Keanu Reeves as a British person! I know! Can you believe it? Ted “Theodore” Logan is supposed to convince us that he’s British solicitor Jonathan Harker? Keanu Reeves is notorious for being out-acted by furniture, shrubs and dead people, and he’s given a role where he has to both affect an accent and engage in period mannerisms and speech patterns? No way, Jose. The first rule of filmmaking is, as we all know, “Don’t cast Keanu Reeves in any role for any reason,” but apparently director Francis Ford Coppola had by this time completed his descent into total madness.Gary Oldman plays our titular bloodsucker. He’s good, like he always is. The problem is that he’s playing a completely retarded character. See, it turns out Dracula is only motivated by his desire to get back some girlfriend he had a few centuries back. It’s not that he’s a monster or anything, he just wants to cuddle, maybe make some popcorn and stay home watching his Tivo’d episodes of Desperate Housewives with his sweetheart. Plus, he has a haircut that makes it look like he has buttcheeks on the top of his head.We’re also supposed to believe that the object of Dracula’s obsessive desire is Winona Ryder. HA! It is to laugh. No one is going to strike a deal with the devil and doom himself to a life of unnatural hellishness over Lydia Dietz. I said it, and you can quote me on it. She sucks and so does this movie. The only thing you can say for her is that [Editor: Please insert Winona Ryder “stealing the show” joke before posting]Anthony Hopkins is in the movie as Van Helsing, but nobody cares. He doesn’t do anything noteworthy as an actor and he brings none of his usual flair to the role. It could have been anybody. Anybody except Keanu Reeves, of course.

Hey, the title’s stupid too. I guess by calling it Bram Stoker’s Dracula they’re trying to tell us it’s closer to the original novel than other adaptations have been. And, on the one hand, it kind of is. But, on the other hand, it mostly isn’t, and by the last act it’s just one stupid thing after another, each passing bit of idiocy making the bile rise a little further until I can’t stand it anymore and I go to Francis Ford Coppola’s house and hit him in the gonads with an ironing board while shouting: “THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!”

Ugh. Avoid this movie at all costs, because it is a piece of shit and I hope I never see or hear about it again in my life.

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