Rating:
The record shows that I’m a defender of Batman Returns and I stand by my earlier remark: Batman Returns is better than you remember. That’s not to say it’s an overlooked masterpiece, just a good but by no means great movie about people in silly outfits getting in fistfights. But when people talk about the Batman movie series of the 80s and 90s, they tend to say something like, “Oh, the first one, the one with Nicholson, that was pretty good. Forget the rest.”

Well, I’ve seen all four of those Batman movies in the past year, and I can tell you that not only is this first sequel the best of them, it’s the only one that’s watchable at all. That includes the first one—of Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever and Batman and Robin, only the second avoids being utterly unbearable.

Of course, thanks to the new Batman series, particularly The Dark Knight, most people don’t think about the previous films at all. That’s 75% okay, but in the case of Batman Returns it’s at least a little bit unfortunate.

Michael Keaton plays Batman, Danny DeVito plays the Penguin, Michelle Pfeiffer plays Catwoman. They fight and/or scheme for a couple of hours and the movie ends.

Oh, Christopher Walken! He’s in it too, as evil tycoon C. Montgomery Burns Max Shreck. He’s working with the Penguin to build a sun-blocking machine an evil reverse power plant or some shit.

I know I’m not exactly selling this as a movie you should actually watch, but describing the plot is pointless anyway. This is a comic book movie—nobody cares about the plot. There are supervillains, Batman throws Batarangs at them, credits roll.

What makes the movie worth watching are the performances. Walken plays Max Shreck, if you can imagine such a thing, as a crazy person who takes weird pauses when he speaks. DeVito’s Penguin is joyously repellent. And Catwoman is awfully sexy, as is often the case with Michelle Pfeiffer.

Keaton’s Batman is, well, Batman, but his Bruce Wayne is a somewhat bumbling charmer. Unlike in the current Batman movies, Keaton plays Bruce Wayne’s quirks—in this case, his absent mindedness—as genuine rather than a put-on; his version of the character only gains confidence and psychological completeness when he dons cape and cowl.

All these actors are fun to watch doing their stuff, and keep the movie watchable when it sometimes veers a little far toward the unpleasant.

But I know what you’re asking. You’re asking: “Why the hell are you talking about this movie?” Because it takes place at Christmas, duh!

That’s right, it’s Christmas in Gotham. Sure, the city’s besieged by people dressed as animals and a bunch of weird clowns (oh, yeah—this movie also has a bunch of weird clowns), but that doesn’t mean it can’t have a festive yuletide. As such, important scenes take place at a tree lighting in Gotham Square and mistletoe serves as a critical plot point. That’s about the extent of the movie’s Christmas connection, but cut me some slack. It’s early in the season.

Actually, there is one other Christmas connection, and it’s a totally baffling one. See, the movie opens on a past Christmas as the Penguin is born to and then abandoned by horrified parents. Then, when the movie proper starts, we learn that it’s thirty-three years later. So. Born on Christmas, thirty-three years old…I guess the Penguin is Jesus? Why this should be I assure you I have no idea, but there it is.

Okay, this hasn’t exactly been a ringing endorsement, but I promise you the movie is worth seeing again. The performances are all great, and the scenes between Batman and Catwoman, who fight each night as their alter egos are falling in love during the day, are particularly enjoyable. So watch it, why don’t you? I swear, it’s better than you remember.

P.S. Remember the Batman Returns Super Nintendo game? I played that shit all the time!

P.P.S. This movie contains what is perhaps my favorite sentence in all of film. Near the beginning of the picture, after the Caped Crusader has foiled that bunch of weird clowns, Commissioner Gordon approaches him and says: “Thanks for saving the day, Batman.” I like when a movie has the courage to tell you exactly what the score is like that.

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