Rating:

So here’s the thing. I like the Beatles a whole heck of a lot. And I like musicals a lot too, really, despite my constant bravado and gruff exterior where I claim to only like movies with graphic disembowelings every couple of seconds. But that’s all a sham; give me My Fair Lady and I’ll usually take it with a smile. Across the Universe, though, is another thing altogether. Yes it uses songs written by the Beatles and yes the characters sing them like they’re dialogue, but I didn’t like the songs and the movie didn’t have whatever qualities I usually dig about musicals. This is trouble.

Let’s talk about the music for a minute. The Beatles were the most amazing combination of musicians in the history of recorded sound and their catalogue of songs is the absolute best. There will be no discussion on this point. The Beatles fucking rule, that’s all there is to it. A movie that hinges so much on the use of their songs has to be great, right? Right! Every movie starring the Beatles and featuring their music was great, except for two of them. Two out of four is close enough to four out of four for me to say that it’s a perfect score. But the interesting choice made by the filmmakers here was to strip away everything that was awesome about the instrumentation on the original versions of the songs, and then to sing every number at a tempo that makes Chopin’s funeral march look like speed metal. Wait, did I say that was an interesting choice? I meant a poor choice.

And then there’s the whole musical thing. Musicals are, in my book, supposed to have a certain vibe about them. I would use words like milieu and gestalt if I were sure about what they mean. If I’m wrong, that’s just tough. Get on the train. The Eric’s Definitions Train. Figure out what I mean when I say those words, and we’ll all be in this together. What I’m saying is, certain things should happen in a musical, and they don’t happen here. On the DVD commentary for the film (Note: Having trouble sleeping? Turn on an audio commentary and you will be bored into a blissful coma), the director mentions a number of times where they could have had music swells, or bigger show-stopping dance numbers, or full on band performances behind the songs, but she elected not too because it would be too corny. Well, smooth move, Ex-Lax! A musical is supposed to be corny. Over the top everything and vibrant three-strip Technicolor, please! Get out of my face with your subdued attitude, Skeezix.

Here are some more bitter complaints.

The movie features a number of stories artificially crammed together. There are at least two too many, maybe more. The singer who’s fighting with her bandmates but comes to realize she loves them? Cut that shit out. The lesbian chick who shows up, adds nothing to anything, and disappears? Next, please!

Our main character is an English guy named Jude (GET IT?). I don’t know the actor’s name and I don’t care, and I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna look it up. Every time he’s about to launch into one of his songs, he stares deeply at something—a costar, the camera, whatever—like he’s shooting out powerful seduction rays from his eyes and gets a look on his face that says “Behold! I am about to sing a song! Do you not find it sexy when I intone thuswise? Ladies, do you find your knees weakened? That’s no coincidence; that’s me!”

And don’t even get me started on Bono. Yes, fucking Bono was in this picture.

Joe Cocker appeared in three roles, which I think we can all agree is four too many.

So, what I’m saying is, I basically didn’t care for this. However, not all was bad! The one musical choice I really dug was taking the song “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” and turning it into something downright menacing by having it sung by a whole bunch of Uncle Sams on army recruitment posters. Unfortunately, from that point the movie couldn’t really decide what it wanted to say about Vietnam and the peace movement—or even if it wanted to say anything at all. But that song was a neat choice, at least.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• The Truth About Paul McCartney
• Has Anybody Seen Anchors Aweigh?
• Magical Mystery Tour
• Big-Haired Idiot Not to Sing
• Yankee Doodle Dandy