Rating:

Upon seeing the movie North, Roger Ebert famously remarked: “I hated, hated, hated this movie.” I had precisely the same reaction the first time I saw A Christmas Story. As time has passed and I’ve had a few more viewings of the picture, my thoughts have changed. Now, instead of just hating this movie, I also loathe, despise, detest and abhor it. And I especially hate the fact that one of the cable channels shows it over and over for 24 consecutive hours on Christmas day. I can’t imagine wanting to watch it but one time; even if you like it surely that’s overkill.

Since the movie was reviewed yesterday and since so many have seen it, there’s no need to do a plot synopsis. Also, I doubt I could discuss the entire plot without taking my life in some grandiose fashion, perhaps by leaping from a cliff or dropping a piano on my own face. Instead, let us look at specific elements of the film. Let’s look at Things I Hate About A Christmas Story.

First of all, this movie is just filled to bursting with Ugly Children. I can hear the cries of protest now; from the mouths of stupid people everywhere comes “But Ralphie is so cute!” No, he’s not cute. He’s a four-eyes weirdo. Every kid in this movie is a weirdo of some kind. If a kid’s not a four-eyes, he’s a freckle face, or he’s got buck teeth, or he’s a snaggletoothed little bastard, or he’s got a goofy haircut, or he’s got a mouth as big as Zira’s in Planet of the Apes. Not one kid in this entire movie is normal looking; they’ve all got some kind of deformity that I feel warrants giving them a good old fashioned Christmas whuppin’.

Being ugly is?unfortunately?not the only problem with the kids in this movie. No, they are also The Loudest Children in the Universe. Everyone is constantly screaming, whining, shouting or crying, and it is enough to make the ears of even the most stoic of listeners explode in a geyser of anvils, hammers and stirrups. The little brother screams at the top of his voice when he’s putting on his snowsuit, only to reveal that his only problem is that he can’t move his arms. Hundreds of veterans of foreign wars can’t move their arms, and you don’t hear them screaming about it like stuck pigs. The kid with his tongue stuck to the pole wails like a bobcat in heat. Any time one of the kids is tormented by a bully he whines like a total bitch, which in real life would only make the bully beat his ass a little more (and rightly so). The worst example of kids being loud, however, is when the family is in the car singing “Jingle Bells”?and I use the word singing in only the loosest sense. Instead of paying attention to either melody or the need for indoor voices, Ralphie and his little brother open their larynxes and holler out the lyrics in the most monotone way possible. Hearing this is somewhat like hearing a fire alarm go off, but this is much, much louder.

As long as I’m griping about children and how much they steam my clams, I really ought to point out The Scene Where the Little Kid Eats Like a Pig. This scene combines everything I hate about ugly kids with everything I absolutely despise about noisy kids. He grunts, he squeals, he moans, he giggles and all the while he shoves his face into a plate of perfectly good meat and potatoes. This is the most irritating display of childish idiocy, real or fictional, I have ever witnessed. Such behavior would be immediate grounds for punishment were this my child, but in this topsy-turvy film the mother actually encourages it! The ungrateful brat won’t eat his food, so his mother tricks him into it by suggesting he make a damn mess and be loud. This shit will never fly with me. If my son won’t eat his perfectly good food and be happy to get it, he will just go to his room without any. And then I will come to his room with the belt and he will learn new definitions of pain and suffering.

While we‘re on the subject of stupid scenes, let’s not forget That Dumb Bastard With His Tongue on the Pole. So the kid gets his tongue stuck to a frozen pole; yes, this can really happen, but what’s the big deal? He acts like he’s stuck on there with airplane glue or something. It’s just as easy as pie to unstick yourself if you get in this situation. All you have to do?try to stay with me, now?is pull away from the pole. Even the people on the short bus could do it, I’m sure. Yes, it’ll hurt a bit, but if you put a couple of ice cubes in your mouth the pain will be a distant memory within ten minutes. But why even hurt yourself? If this kid had stopped screaming and yelling for even three picoseconds, perhaps it might have occurred to him that he could warm up the ice enough to melt it by, oh, say, breathing on it, for god’s sake!! Or he could just rub the area where his tongue is stuck, and soon all will be repaired! It’s not that hard to get your frozen tongue unstuck from something and that’s all there is to it. But this little punk has to be rescued by the freaking fire department!

That lamp shaped like a leg that the father wins in a contest is awfully stupid, but when compared to the rest of the movie I’m willing to let it slide. However, what I am not willing to let slide is The Fact That You Can Actually Buy a Stupid Lamp Shaped Like a Leg. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

Another thing that irks me about this movie is The Non-Stop Narration. Of the film’s ninety-eight minute running time, about ninety-four minutes are devoted to incredibly over-prosey narration. Using a narrator is just about the laziest storytelling device one can use in a motion picture. The omniscient and omnipresent voice from beyond the camera serves to tell the audience what the characters are doing and feeling when the action of the movie itself can’t do it. There is a choice you make when you direct a film; you can get your point across by using subtlety and clever directorial techniques while utilizing your actors to their full potential, or you can just record some narration and tell the audience straight out what they should be feeling. With Bob Clark (Baby Geniuses, Black Christmas) at the helm, are you surprised by what decision was made?

Let us not forget to complain about The Chinese People Singing Christmas Carols. For one thing, this scene doesn’t need to exist at all; the story?such as it was?had already been told and the last few scenes are only there to boost the film over ninety-five minutes. The whole thing focuses on how hilarious it is when Asian people can’t pronounce the letter ‘L.’ Look at the silly Asians with their inability to speak a language that is not their own! Hahahaha!

The thing I hate absolutely most of all about A Christmas Story is that, when you get right down to it, It’s Just a Stupid Movie About a Kid Who Wants a BB Gun. This kid wants a BB gun, he gets one, hurrah! There’s barely enough there to sustain a dinner party anecdote, much less a feature length film. Seriously, what kind of plot for a film is that? It’s like making a movie called Maybe I Will Get a Haircut Today where the lead character thinks he needs a haircut and at the end of the movie he goes to get one. Whoo! How hilarious and intriguing!

So that is why I hate A Christmas Story. Actually, there were some other reasons I was going to write about, but I just can’t bear to think about this movie any longer because I really, really hate it. I know some of you reading this enjoy the movie and will be tempted to leave comments along the lines of “hey i like a christmas storrry!!1,” but before you do remember: If you like this movie, you are wrong. This movie is bad, plain and simple. And, come Christmas, it’s going to be on TV a million times in a row.

Did I mention I hate this movie?

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• A Pinky and the Brain Christmas
• The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
• Frosty Returns
• Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas
• The Santa Clause 2