Rating:
A Charlie Brown Christmas is a classic in the world of animation and is beloved the world over by millions of people young and old. That’s why I’m saving it for later in the month. On the other hand, I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown is a rambling, plotless mess that can’t be considered a classic of any kind and is beloved by nobody.

In style, it is similar to the equally forgettable It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown. That is, instead of having an actual story developed over the course of a half hour, it’s just an assemblage of individual Peanuts strips that are sort of about the same three or four things. Each strip is recreated word for word to make the dialogue. When only one strip appears in the paper each day, it’s not really a big deal for the first panel to say the same thing about what’s going on; when one strip appears every twenty seconds, it gets a little tiresome to have every third sentence be: “Maybe Santa will bring me a dog.”

Since the special is so weak on story, at least we can take solace in the fact that it stars a lovable Peanuts character, right? WRONG! The star of this picture is Rerun Van Pelt, little brother of Linus and Lucy. Rerun ranks about with Shermy and Violet on the list of characters we don’t care about, but he gets a forty minute special to himself anyway. As the show begins, we see little Rerun riding on the back of his mom’s bike and complaining about the way she drives. Every time the dialogue from one strip ends and a new one begins, there’s a frame jump or a fade that’s just noticeable enough to be upsetting. It’s sort of like a coded message from the animators that says: “We do not care even a little.” And these unsettling transitions continue throughout.

When Rerun makes it home, he sits on the couch with Linus and Lucy, complaining about having siblings and the trials and tribulations of being the youngest child. The scene is remarkably unfunny and establishes Rerun as a big whiner. It also goes on for three minutes and has nothing to do with Christmas or wanting a dog. This, ladies and gents, is known as padding the running time.

Next up is a scene about Rerun’s adventures in kindergarten. Aside from a few holiday decorations, this scene doesn’t deal with Christmas either (although Rerun does mention not having a dog). Rerun talks to a little girl in his class; they laugh, they flirt, he asks her to run off to Paris with him, the usual five year old stuff. When the principal gets wind of this Parisian invitation, he suspends Rerun from school on the charge of harassment. We’re never told what kind of harassment, and it’s hard to infer anything from what the principal says since he only speaks through a muted trumpet, but we all know it’s about the big S-E-X. When Rerun comes home, he relates to his sister the story of his suspension and announces that at least Christmas vacation starts tomorrow. And now the real plot, thin though it is, may begin.

As the two Van Pelt brothers go out sledding, Rerun suggests that their mother should let them get a dog. Soon, however, it becomes clear that their mother doesn’t want them to have a dog at all. There’s definitely no hope of getting a dog from mom, and Santa probably wouldn’t run contrary to a mother’s wishes, so things look mighty bleak for Rerun.

KAPOW! Suddenly we’re blasted into a random scene in a sandbox and then Rerun is back on his mom’s bike. You won’t find any story coherence here, so let’s just run with it. I promise not to worry about it if you won’t. This bike sequence does have one funny pun about running over a pedestrian, but it has nothing about Christmas or about wanting a dog. Why is it here? I don’t know. I promised I wouldn’t worry about it, but it’s just so dang confusing.

Speaking of confusing, superfluous scenes, it’s time for Lucy to visit Schroeder as he bangs away at his piano. Lucy makes it clear that she wishes Schroeder would start banging away at her, but he’s only interest in playing Beethoven sonatas and having weird eyebrows in his closeups. The two bicker for a while and the irrelevant scene ends. There was a Christmas tree in the background, though, in case the audience forgot why it was watching this.

Outside, Rerun has a heart-to-heart with Charlie Brown about wanting a dog. Charlie Brown tells Rerun all about Snoopy’s assorted brothers, including: Marbles, who hates to fly; Andy and Olaf, who ruin everything; and Spike, who lives in the desert, perhaps out beyond the Dune Sea like a strange, old hermit. Rerun wishes one of those dogs could be his, but since momma says no he settles for playing with Snoopy sometimes. Charlie Brown agrees to allow this, prompting Rerun to exclaim “This will be the best Christmas ever!” Rerun is so easily impressed.

Rerun tries over and over again to get Snoopy to play with him, but even a dog has no interest in hanging with a chump like Rerun. When he finally does come outside, he just steals Rerun’s cookies and runs off, proving that Snoopy is a total sadist. Suddenly, the two are playing together because this cartoon has no real story threads, and the dog kicks Rerun’s ass at everything from basketball to blowing bubbles. God, Rerun sucks.

Back at home, Rerun tries to convince his mom to get him a dog, but to no avail. Rerun has no choice but to go see the jolly red fat man and plead his case. Of course, first we’re treated to another pointless scene with Lucy and Schroeder, followed by an irrelevant sidebar about Sally Brown talking to Santa. I had truly never known the meaning of “filler” until I watched this.

After the fade to black, Rerun and Lucy go to see Santa (or, rather, Snoopy in a Santa suit). Even after the visit to the canine Kris Kringle, Rerun still is worried that he won’t get a dog, plus he’s pissed about being out of grape jelly. Lucy suggests observing Charlie Brown and Snoopy to see how much work owning a dog really is. This is when we’re treated to a sequence of Snoopy flying around on his doghouse. Remember those pointless World War I flying ace segments in It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown? This is even more boring than those.

Snoopy gets a letter from his brother Spike, detailing how he celebrates Christmas out on Tatooine. This gives Rerun the bright idea to write to Spike asking him to come be a pet, since he’d be much happier celebrating Christmas at the Van Pelt house than out in the Jundland Wastes.

After more pointless Lucy and Schroeder action, Spike finally arrives. Everyone tells Rerun that his mom will never let him keep the dog, but he’s too stricken with puppy love (rim shot!) to care. Spike’s an ugly, scrawny dog (not at all like the ultra-cool vampire who shares his name), so the Van Pelt children fatten him up. After Spike is returned to health, he and Rerun play all manner of games and even ride on the back of the bicycle together.

Soon enough, Rerun’s mom pulls her head out of her ass and realizes what her children have been up to and says it’s time for the dog to go. Charlie Brown tries to get someone in town to adopt Spike, but not even Franklin or Violet will take him. With their inclusion, this cartoon has run the gamut of people we don’t care anything about. Eventually, rejected at every turn, Spike heads back to his lonely life in the desert.

A pointless scene about a Christmas play follows, after which Snoopy refuses to play nicely with the despondent Rerun and on that sour note the credits roll. We in the audience are left feeling confused and empty and longing oh so desperately for the good old days when Linus never thought it was such a bad little tree.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• A Charlie Brown Christmas
• The Problem with Home Video
• The Santa Clause
• The Year Without a Santa Claus
• Top Five Christmas Albums