Rating:
Before today, I didn’t know anything about the Care Bears beyond the fact of their existence, and I sort of assumed that would stay true until the day I died. But now, having seen Care Bears: The Nutcracker (originally aired as Care Bears Nutcracker Suite), I know one thing for sure: I really wish I still didn’t know anything about the Care Bears.

This thing was just awful. To say it was the longest 61 minutes of my life doesn’t begin to describe it—that would be akin to saying Abell 1835 IR1916 is pretty far away. Every moment of this cartoon was an exercise in torture both mental and physical, in maddening inanity, in record-breaking tedium.

The story it tells is a loose approximation of “The Nutcracker and the Mouse King,” but there are some Care Bears thrown into it, too. I don’t even want to talk about it. Fuck this stupid cartoon.

Here are some facts I learned about the Care Bears.

1. They are not all bears. There were definitely a lion and an elephant. In what sense an elephant can be considered a bear, I assure you I do not know.

2. The Care Bears fire rainbow-lasers out of their stomachs, and use this to incapacitate their enemies.

3. The Care Bears are also able to actually manifest physical things from their weird belly-blasters, things like flowers and balloons. These flowers were also used to incapacitate enemies, though what effect a bunch of petals wafting on the breeze could be said to have remains a mystery to me.

4. The Care Bears suck so hard.

In the Nutcracker story we’re familiar with, a little girl is given the titular toy as a gift by her grandfather, right? My memory is admittedly a little vague—I was forced to attend the ballet once when I was much, much too young to be at all interested in a ballet and was bored right off my balls, so I didn’t pay attention—but I’m pretty sure the grandfather gives the girl a Nutcracker.

Not so in this insane cartoon. The Nutcracker just appears from a weird hole in space-time, accompanied by thunder claps and lightning strikes. You would be forgiven for expecting him to tell the little girl (Anna, I think) to come with him if she wants to live and then protect her from a time traveling robot.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. All that happens is some shit with some bears.

There’s a totally pointless B story about two Care Bear cubs who have snuck along on the journey to Toyland in an effort to find their own perfect, personalized Christmas ornaments. I think they’re doing this because all the other Care Bears have ornaments, or something. But who knows? Who cares? Not me, that’s for sure.

I can’t believe girls my approximate age actually liked the Care Bears! I always knew that girls had cooties and went to Jupiter to get more stupider, but I had no idea just how much more stupider they’d gotten, nor how far into their brains the cooties must have delved. Let me just come right out and say it: If you like or have ever liked the Care Bears, I wish you were dead.

This cartoon would be good for foisting on your enemies, or if you’re deliberately trying to ruin Christmas. Otherwise, stay far away! I’ve already seen it, it’s too late for me. But not for you! Escape! Escape while you still can!

In conclusion, fuck this.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Tom and Jerry: A Nutcracker Tale
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
• Frosty Returns
• A Very Minty Christmas
• Mickey’s Christmas Carol