Rating:

When Eric assigned me to write A Charlie Brown Christmas, I’m not sure he knew what he was getting himself into. See, I’m not much like other merrymakers who fall all over themselves praising any little thing which carries the smallest iota of warmhearted nostalgia.  I can’t ignore things like horrible dialog, an annoying plot with laughable transitions, and just general bad direction and production all around.

No amount of feeling like I’m “supposed” to love something (and I do feel that it’s a sweet little piece of pop history) can make me ignore all of that. It’s a cute story with some touching moments, but all things considered it’s rather absurd and it doesn’t even try to make sense.

The story opens with Charlie Brown feeling depressed about Christmas, God only knows why (FORESHADOWING, THANK YOU!). Apparently he thinks Christmas has become too commercialized, though we only learn that through a few meandering and mumbling scenes with Linus, Snoopy, and Lucy. Finally, five minutes into this barely 30-minute piece, we have a reason why it exists.

So Charlie is depressed and basically disowns Snoopy because decorating his dog house is far too “commercial” an activity, and Lucy names him director of their Christmas play in the fleeting hope that it will get him to shut up.  No such luck.

Chuck has no success getting the other kids to respect him as a director, and Lucy (what is she, his mother?) sends him off to find a “Nice, aluminum Christmas tree,” because if being a director doesn’t make it so she doesn’t have to listen to him, making him leave the building sure will.

The Christmas tree lot scene is by far the best and the most relevant to modern day, as they look at all these perfect, colorful, fake trees. At the time, it was a dig at the popular aluminum trees, but it works just as well as a rallying cry against the plastic trees of our day. Naturally, like any smart person, Charlie gets a real Christmas tree, albeit a sickly one.

Then everyone hates the tree Charlie brings back, and they’re like “Charlie Brown, you fucking asshole, way to ruin everyone’s lives by selecting this stupid tree that doesn’t even make sense in the context of our ultra-religious, traditionalist Christmas play.”

Charlie gets depressed again, and reiterates that he simply doesn’t know what Christmas is all about. “Can’t someone tell me what Christmas is all about?” he whines to no one in particular.  And then, the most worthless, meandering, overrated, unfortunate piece of Christmas nostalgia takes place, as Linus says “I can tell you, shithead,” then takes his place in front of the microphone (what?) in the center of the stage.

“Lights, please,” Linus instructs.  And then, as the lights dim, he spouts a half-hearted, poorly written version of the Biblical story of Jesus’ birth. Aside from the tasteful lighting, the quiet background, and the quaint echo of his small voice in the amphitheater, his speech is out of place, awkward, hyper-religious (obviously), and ineffective.  It is the single most overrated moment in all of Christmas pop culture.

Then, Charlie takes his tree and goes home for some reason, somehow still depressed even after that clearly worthwhile homage to Christ our Lord and Savior. Except actually, he goes to Snoopy’s home, which won first prize in the neighborhood Christmas decoration contest. Naturally, Snoopy’s success fills Charlie with rage.

“Christmas is so commercial, godammit!” Charlie shouts as he mocks the decorations on Snoopy’s doghouse, and then he proceeds to take THOSE SAME DECORATIONS and put them on his tree to make it a happy tree. Because stealing a dog’s Christmas ornaments and using them to decorate a tree is okay, but decorating your house in a similar fashion is for heathen hellspawn.

But Charlie can’t even finish that before he whines and leaves, then all the kids come and finish the decorations for him and make his tree nice, which he failed to do.  Then he is kind of happy at the end and they sing a Christmas carol, leaving their play unfinished, the Lord worshiped, and Charlie still not being able to resolve any of his own damn problems.

And there you have it. One of the more overrated Christmas specials of all time. It’s still bearable, however, and even cute, if you spend your evening checking your fantasy football scores while it plays in the background.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas
• The Problem with Home Video
• Christmas with the Kranks
• Mickey’s Christmas Carol