Uruguayan Trekkies have much to cheer about, as Broad Front candidate José Mujica handily defeated his opponent to win the country's Presidential election. What does that have to do with Star Trek, you might ask. Just take a look. José Mujica, Pros: Beaming up Miracle worker José Mujica, Cons: Will be forced to spend over seven decades trapped in a transporter beam until rescued by the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise-D Cannae change the laws o' physics

Please read this story immediately, because it's the most excellent set of words ever assembled. If you're the sort who doesn't like clicking on links, allow me to quote the opening sentence: "Seven bulls being used on the set of a film starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz have broken free in Spain and slightly injured two people." Can you believe it? No less than seven angry mancows are rampaging across Iberia and it's essentially Tom Cruise's fault. Four out of five scientists agree, that is freakin' hilarious. (Come on, it's okay to laugh. They were only slightly injured.) Now consider this further information: The bulls "broke free from the downtown location and ran through streets to a nearby beach." They're party animals, these bulls! They couldn't wait to hit the beach. Soak up a few rays, ride the wild surf, maybe get in a few games of volleyball while "All Summer Long" blares from somebody's boom box. But most importantly, the article makes no mention the escaped bulls having been rounded up. And consider the tense in that opening sentence: "Seven bulls...have broken free." Oh please oh please tell me these bulls are still on the loose, terrorizing townspeople before retreating to their hideout in the ...

Did all you guys know that they've made another godsbedamned Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? I just found out, and I wish I were making it up. Oh, how I wish. Get a load of this trailer. The most horrifying video since Faces of Death.First of all: Squeakquel? Come on! Not only should that title have been the first thing to go and whoever suggested it banned from Hollywood forever, but I'm sure we can all agree that squeaquel should be spelled without that k. It's just cluttering up the place!Secondly: Who the fuck asked for this? Was it you? I know it wasn't me. Is there a single person on the entire planet who liked Alvin and the Chipmunks at all, much less enough to long for a second picture? I have very little faith in humanity, but I can't believe that anyone is that stupid. If they had to make a sequel, they at least should have thrown out all the terrible mistakes they made the first time around, starting with the size of the chipmunks themselves. They worked in cartoon form because they were basically children. But when something that is actually the size of a rodent goes around kissing ...

Yes, it's true. Friggin' Ed McMahon died today, at the tender young age of 86, as part of the universe's ongoing plan to rob me of everything I love. It seems he just died from a combination of sick and old—his publicist cites a "multitude of health problems"—which I suppose is unsurprising, but hardly as fitting for someone of Ed McMahon's stature as, say, Death By Being Too Cool For School. For thirty years, McMahon was Johnny Carson's sidekick on The Tonight Show, and for the same thirty years he was the greatest sidekick, real or fictional, who had ever been devised. Who will tell us where Johnny is now, I ask you? For that matter, who will aid Alex Trebek in telling old people about the importance of Colonial Penn Life Insurance? It's too painful to continue. Ed McMahon was one of the all time broadcasting greats—for proof, I invite you to look at the wonderful things just about every person in the entire industry has to say about him—and now he's gone. I ask you, how is that fair? He may have lost the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes of life, but at least now he's moved on to paradise, where the ...

Remember how, when the first direct-to-DVD Futurama movie Bender's Big Score came out, I was so elated that it took a squad of twenty dudes with tranquilizer guns and stern demeanors to calm me down? Shoooooooot heeeeerrrrr!!! Well, I am literally going into elation-induced cardiac arrest as I write these words, because this news story says Comedy Central is most assuredly, definitely, for real, not a tease this time going to be airing 26 spankin' new episodes of Futurama starting in the middle of next year.Mere words, limited as they are when it comes to describing the soaring heights of human emotional responses, cannot do justice to the joy I feel at learning this news. Here are some facts to help you realize why Futurama is so awesome. Facts About Futurama That Prove it is Awesome Futurama is a better show than The Simpsons, as measured by a percentage of the total number of episodes that are great. Futurama has more references to Star Trek than any show except Star Trek. "We tore the universe a new space-hole, all right, but it's clenching shut fast." GENIUS Watching Futurama will make you lose weight, except in your wang which will grow significantly, plus it will save you gas money. Futurama ...

Jim Carrey is easily one of my least favorite people in the entire world. That fact wouldn't bother him, I'm sure; he's not out to impress me, and I guess a positive thing you could say about him is that the things he does, he does because he feels like it, without much regard for whether people want him to. Of course, the problem with that is one of the things he does is spew to anyone who will listen the completely ridiculous claim that vaccines give children autism. That idea is so far removed from anything resembling the reality we live in here on this planet, that the only conclusion you can draw is that people like Carrey, who repeat these bullshit claims, are either stupid or deliberately trying to get kids to contract infectious disease. You may think people aren't getting their medical information from a professional farter and his washed-up girlfriend, but they are. For celebrities like these to purposefully spread this kind of potentially lethal misinformation is unconscionable. What should we say to Jim Carrey about this? I think Captain Picard can say it best: But in less deadly news, it seems that Jim Carrey has gone even crazier ...

That's right, Ninja Turtles in 2011. No combination of words could make me happier than that, unless it was "Ninja Turtles in 2012" and it was printed on a political yard sign. But yeah, it turns out there's gonna be a new live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles adventure coming in 2011. I'm a dude who grew up crazynuts for the Turtles. The 1990 movie was probably the first flick I was ever excited to go see during the pre-release buildup. (Gremlins 2 came out in 1990, too! What a banner year for a five-year-old movie guy!) And I may be the only person in the Milky Way galaxy who thoroughly enjoyed 2007's TMNT. I can still remember all the words to the Partnerz in Kryme rap that plays over the end credits of the first movie. So what I'm saying is, I can't effin' wait for this new Turtles movie. I finally made it through Star Trek and thought I wouldn't be called upon to become a gushing fanboy idiot about a movie for a long time. After all, Lord of the Rings is long over and so, mercifully, are Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Two out of the last three ...

So the scuttlebutt is that Shirley Jones—yes, that Shirley Jones—might get all nekkid for Playboy magazine. Now, I'm not one of those people who flatly rejects the idea that old people (Jones is 75) can be sexual, but I'm skeptical about whether they need to do it in print. I mean, Playboy is already difficult enough to punch the munchkin to, what with its tasteful lighting and overabundance of articles. Do they really need to add geriatrics to that list? But age isn't the only issue. If I heard there was going to be a Playboy spread  featuring some 75-year-old nobody, I probably wouldn't even bat an eye. But this is Shirley Jones we're talking about it. Be very honest: are you at all comfortable with the idea of Mrs. Partridge letting all her goodies hang out? Come on, get awkward! So I'm not saying Shirley Jones just shouldn't be allowed to be naked. I'm just saying that of all the things I thought I would ever hear, this is among the most totally unexpected.

Can you believe that friggin' Bea Arthur died? She was only eighty-six years young! I am as torn up about this as I have ever been about any event in history. Do I love The Golden Girls? Will I be watching every single episode of The Golden Girls to honor her memory? The answer to both of those questions is a big-time yes. One time she was on Futurama! And she's in History of the World, Part One (she says a swear!). Bea Arthur was a freaking comic genius, and I don't see much purpose in continuing to live in a Bea Arthurless world. For some Melted Reel Bea Arthur action, you can read about her appearance in The Star Wars Holiday Special.

I don't like updating you guys on celebrity gossip. I like to think our audience is smarter than the droves of "baby bump watchers" out there, who would slaughter their own spouse to hear the latest tidbit on a celebrity marriage. But this one was just a little too good to pass up. Cult leader Tom Cruise was called out by celebrity shrink Dr. Drew last week for his unrelenting zeal for Scientology. Drew had this to say: "Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood — maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect." Hey Dr. Drew -- it's not that hard. Scientology is a religion for profit. You pay for your membership. So becoming a leader in it is tantamount to becoming an executive at a major corporation. Get it? Still, the good Doc has a point. Cruise always struck me as quite the lonely, emotionally confused guy. It makes sense, then, that he would be attracted to a "religion" whose main selling point is the bashing ...