[rating: 1.5] Okay, I admit it. I am no fan of the Harry Potter series. I did give a fairly positive review of the fifth film in the series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and I stand by that assessment of it as the best picture in the series, but it's not a movie I'll ever watch again. Now, then, we turn to 2009's Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the sixth outing in the mega-popular franchise. I personally thought the first four Harry Potter movies were unrelentingly boring and murderously awful. Given that, this sixth movie manages, if you can believe it, to be the worst one yet by the a wide margin. It's at this point that I'd usually give you some broad strokes of a movie's story, and therein lies our major problem. This picture has no story whatsoever. Now, you can get away with this in an arty kind of movie, one that deals with character or thematic exploration. But your Potter flicks are mass-audience, popcorn-chompin', effects-laden plot movies all the way. Luckily for all concerned, the Harry Potter fanbase is so slavishly devoted they'll overlook any number of flaws in their haste to put on silly ...

[rating: 2] I'm no fan of Japanese horror movies, but if there's one Japanese director working today who could make one I do like, it's Takashi Miike. He hasn't made one I like, but he probably could. Film criticism is of course always a subjective exercise but, despite my informal and personal style, I usually try to write a review based not just on my personal feelings while watching a picture but on my knowledge of cinema technique and history as well. It's hard for me to do that with Audition, because I think it's probably not that bad but I very much didn't like it. At the same time, I almost liked it, and can see how I could have. The story is that of Mr. Aoyama, a widower (Ryo Ishibashi) who, when told by his son that he looks old and lonely, decides it's time to remarry. But he is old—older, at least, than his first time around—and doesn't know if he has what it takes to jump back into dating, a young man's game. He wants to find his ideal woman, but on the other hand he doesn't particularly want to work at it. What's interesting here is that it's ...

[rating: 4] The 1973 cult classic The Wicker Man is something of an oddity; even as you're watching it, you're not quite sure whether it's stupid or grand. (This is in contrast to the 2006 remake, where you're always sure what you're watching is awful.) For example, when the goofy song "Corn Rigs" plays (and plays, and plays), you think the movie leans more toward Mystery Science Theater 3000 territory. It's only after the film is over and you give it some thought and discussion that you can be certain you've just witnessed something extraordinary. Police sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) arrives unwanted on the Scottish island of Summerisle, famous for its one-of-a-kind produce. He's investigating the disappearance, brought to his attention by an anonymous letter, of a young girl named Rowan Morrison. None of the island's residents are at all helpful; at first they deny that any such person as Rowan ever existed, and when that is revealed as a lie they resort to other obfuscations or simple silence. A grave marked with Rowan Morrison's name is found, but no death certificate is on file and nobody has anything to say about the circumstances of her death. Even the girl's mother won't ...

[rating: 5] Humphrey Bogart did the same thing in every movie, to different degrees, from thoroughly grizzled in The African Queen to—for Bogart—downright sentimental in Casablanca. The question, then, is when he did it best. Was Sam Spade the peak Bogart character? Or Philip Marlowe? It's nearly impossible to choose, but an argument can be mounted that Fred C. Dobbs in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre is Bogart's greatest achievement. We first meet up with Dobbs in desperation and penury, homeless and begging on the streets of Tampico. All he wants is to get his head above water, to live comfortably without having to depend on handouts from rich American vacationers. Nothin' fancy, just freedom from poverty. Even when he first hits on the idea of prospecting for gold, his ambitions remain modest. Howard (Walter Huston, in one of the best-deserved Academy Award winning performances of all time), another drifter with some experience as a prospector, tells him what gold does to a man, the way getting a little only makes you hungry for a whole lot more. Dobbs insists that won't happen to a simple, reasonable man like him, that he'll just collect his little piece and go home. We know better, ...

[rating: 5] Has there ever been a Kris Kringle more spot-on than Edmund Gwenn, a little girl more bug's-earish than Natalie Wood, a Christmas movie more magical than 1947's Miracle on 34th Street? Don't be silly. Of course there hasn't. Though there are other excellent holiday movies that are indispensible for any merrymaking movie buff, none is more perfectly realized than this story of a little girl learning to believe. That little girl is Susan (Natalie Wood), as adorable as anything you've ever seen but sadly lacking in the childlike sense of wonder department. Her mother (Maureen O'Hara) has raised her by the generally appropriate maxim of "deal with the real world and don't go falling for a lot of dopey nonsense," but this has had one unfortunate consequence: Susan doesn't believe in Santa Claus! This cannot stand, so it's rather fortuitous that a man claiming to be the one and only real Kris Kringle plops right into her lap. The kindly old man teaches Susan a thing or two about imagination and manages to bring a little Christmas spirit to everyone he encounters, to boot. When working as a department store Santa at Macy's, for example, he doesn't hesitate to send shoppers to ...

[rating: 4.5] Since I was very, very young, A Christmas Carol—Dickens' novel and its many different adaptations—has been one of my favorite stories. Before even my obsession with Star Wars or Indiana Jones, I was obsessed with this tale of Victorian England and positive values. If you're thinking that I must have been the coolest, most popular preschooler on the block, brother are you ever right. Mickey's Christmas Carol wasn't one of the first versions of the story that I saw, but it's now one of my favorites. In fact, this theatrical short is probably the best thing Disney animation did between One Hundred and One Dalmatians in 1961 and the renaissance period begun with The Little Mermaid in 1989. What makes it so good? First is the artistry on display in the animation, which in style is far more akin to the earliest Disney classics than what was coming from the studio in the 70s and 80s. Second is the good use of existing Disney characters in A Christmas Carol's roles, particularly Mickey Mouse as Bob Cratchit, Goofy as Marley's ghost, and Scrooge McDuck as—surprise!—Ebenezer Scrooge. This allows for two things: the right amount of freedom and looseness in the characterizations and ...

[rating: 3] It's called Once Upon a Christmas but for the price of admission you get three separate cartoons featuring beloved Disney characters. Plus linking narration by battered husband Kelsey Grammer. Now that's what I call a Christmas bonus! DONALD DUCK: STUCK ON CHRISTMAS Despite what that title would have you believe, it's actually Donald's nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie who are stuck on Christmas. If Christmas is like Groundhog Day, Huey, Dewey and Louie are like a feathery, three-headed Bill Murray. Yes, the three ducklings make a wish that it could be Christmas every day and hey! presto! their wish is granted. As Tom Petty warned, it's Christmas all over again. And again and again and again. First the boys are thrilled by this development. Then they grow weary of the unceasing sameness. Then they realize that they can get up to all manner of ducky didoes without fear of reprisal and they take full advantage of that situation. But then, as you'd expect, they learn some Important Lessons. Their continual exposure to Christmas teaches them to eschew their selfish ways, that it's better to give than receive and the true meaning of Christmas is love and all that. The other moral imparted to Huey, Dewey and ...

[rating: 2.5] Christmas with the Kranks is the story of a neighborhood full of not very likable people, two of whom learn a valuable lesson about the importance of conformity. Jamie Lee Curits and Tim Allen are Nora and Luther Krank, a pair of empty nesters who decide, on the first Christmas without their daughter at home, to take the money and effort usually spent on the trappings of the holiday and spend it on a Caribbean cruise instead. Rather than string lights on an empty house and put up a tree they won't be there to enjoy, they plan to skip Christmas this year and enjoy themselves in warmer climes. As Luther explains to his coworkers, he's "not angry and [won't] yell 'humbug' at anyone offering holiday greetings," he's just not doing the Christmas thing. Now, I love Christmas decorations and cram my house with just about every piece of red and green crap you can name. They could slap a googly-eyed snowman on a home enema kit and I'd buy eight. But that's me. I'd never do it, but I can see that what they're planning is a perfectly reasonable thing for Luther and Nora to want to do. Not so their ...

[rating: 3.5] This movie is by no means perfect. It takes a really long time to get going and it's kind of all over the place throughout. But, as is always the case with the Muppets, there is much to love. It's Christmastime and the Muppets are preparing for their big holiday show. They're auditioning acts and building sets and everything seems to be falling into place for one great Christmas extravaganza. Alas, it's then that the cruel, malicious businesswoman (Joan Cusack) who holds the lease on the Muppet Theater* announces that if she isn't paid all of the extensive back rent she is owed, she'll shut the theater down. The Muppets will have nowhere to put on their shows, and I think it's suggested that most of them live in the theater, so I guess they'll be homeless as well. Of course, a way is found to raise the needed money in time. After a frantic rush through busy city streets, Fozzie Bear ends up failing in his attempt to deliver the payment, and things look dire for the Muppets indeed. Kermit the Frog is utterly dejected; he feels that everyone was counting on him to save their Christmas and, consequently, that ...

[rating: 1.5] The Law of Diminution of Sequel Quality is on full display with The Santa Clause 3. It’s a movie that’s actually pretty funny, in that family-friendly way, and features downright hilarious performances from some of the cast members new to the series, but it’s also a movie that just isn’t any good. While the enjoyable comedy is there, the emotional content, that “oh, there go the cockles of my heart” stuff that made the first two movies succeed, is totally absent. Our third meeting with Santa Claus/Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) takes place almost entirely at the North Pole and involves two separate stories. In one thread, Santa’s very pregnant wife Carol (Wendy Crewson) is feeling a bit morose and lonely as a result of her husband’s busy schedule at Christmastime. In an attempt to cheer her up, Santa agrees to bring her parents (Ann-Margret and Alan Arkin) to stay with them for the holiday—though of course the illusion must be maintained that Scott’s just a toy company executive and that their operation is in Canada. While these in-law antics are going on, Jack Frost (Martin Short) is making himself something of a bother, as well. He doesn’t much like being Jack ...