I’ve been waiting for years to be formally introduced to Squishy the Christmas Oyster.

No, I haven’t been drinking (much). I’m serious. I first heard about the impending arrival of a Christmas oyster years and years ago when I was a small but still very fat child.

Every night I’d watch Jeopardy!, because I had no friends. On one particularly memorable occasion, while Alex was meeting-and-greeting with the contestants, one of them announced that he was tired of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” being the dominant Christmas novelty song. Sure, there are many others, but that’s the only one that really gets played on the radio, and this guy had had enough. He said he was writing a song called “Squishy the Christmas Oyster,” which he planned to unleash on the world and knock “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” right off its hilarious yuletide throne.

That was close to two decades ago, and that song has yet to materialize. It’s certainly not being played on any ordinary radio stations and I’ve never even heard it on any of the Christmas-themed Dr. Demento episodes that delight us all each year. So I ask you, unnamed Jeopardy! contestant: Where is “Squishy the Christmas Oyster?” Why do you tease me so? Give me oystersongs or give me death!

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