This may seem odd coming from someone who ostensibly writes a website about movies (though I manage pretty handily to never actually talk about movies), but I don’t even like movies anymore. I mean, have you seen some of the movies out there? They suck! Every trailer you see is for a picture full of loud noises and no shots that last longer than 2.8 seconds and unconvincing digital effects and even, saints preserve us, Will Ferrell.

Okay, you see about two trailers a year for movies that aren’t like that, but those movies are always about self-consciously quirky characters trying desperately hard to convince you how ironic and hip they are and have long titles like Millie and Gaspar and the Blue Ocean Rhumba and ugly posters that look like they were drawn by fifth grade girls who got bored during social studies. They cost millions of dollars and spend every last one making it look like they didn’t spend any, which raises the question: if you wanted to make it look like you didn’t spend any money, why didn’t you just not make a movie. I do that all the time, and it doesn’t cost me a dime!

My favorite Google image result for “Gaspar”
So what’s a discriminating viewer to do? Bombarded by all these movies and needing to decide what you should see, a person needs some kind of cinematic yardstick, a standard by which you can gauge whether you want to sacrifice two hours of your finite lifespan.For me, that standard is Ridley Scott’s 1979 Alien. Whether I’m contemplating rewatching a movie I’ve already seen or seeing something altogether new, I ask myself on simple question: Based on what I know about this movie, do I think I’d enjoy watching it more or less than I’d enjoy watching Alien? If the answer is less, forget it. Who has the time?

This doesn’t mean I watch Alien every single time instead. Don’t be absurd.

It just means that if I suspect the pleasure I’d get from watching the movie in question is less than the pleasure I’d get from watching Alien, it simply isn’t worth it.

But why Alien? Sure, it’s probably the best example of the slow, suspenseful build since the glory days of Hitchcock, but the decision still seems pretty arbitrary, and indeed it is. I picked it because it’s a great movie, but one which even at the height of my movie watching period I didn’t watch very often. So when I consider how much time I’ve wasted rewatching lesser movies, I’m forced to ask if watching whatever film is worth one more missed opportunity to see Alien again.

This policy has served me well, and I recommend that everyone adopt it. If you’re considering seeing a brainless action movie that exists only to showcase fight scenes and has no character or story (Jet Li, I’m looking at your stuff), ask if you’d really like it more than Sigourney Weaver’s comical underpants. If you’re considering seeing a comedy with a bunch of actors trying to act funny instead of characters who are in funny circumstances in spite of themselves, ask if you’d really like it more than Jonesy the cat. If you’re considering seeing a PG-13 horror movie that’s a remake of a movie from Japan or of a decades-dead franchise, ask if you shouldn’t just check into a psychiatric hospital.

Alien. It works for me and it can work for you.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• My Superman Woes
• In Defense of Batman Returns
• The Problem with Home Video
• The Tooth Fairy
• Wednesday Top Ten: Movies I Like That Everybody Hates