Yes, boys and girls, it’s time once again for me to talk about my relationship with Superman. Sometimes in these little therapy sessions I complain about not being able to watch anything featuring Superman, sometimes I’m defending Superman from assorted detractors, other times I’m realizing that perhaps I shouldn’t bother with watching or defending the character.

This is another one of the last kind.

See, I watched Superman II today and wasn’t exactly surprised to find that, though I enjoyed the film in my childhood, it actually pretty much sucks. But I also realized something else as I was watching the movie: This whole secret identity thing is completely stupid.

Remember that scene in Superman II where Lois Lane is convinced she’s figured out that Clark Kent is actually Superman? She’s so sure of herself that she throws herself into the Niagara River, where she’ll surely be killed unless Superman intervenes.

But rather than risk exposing his secret, Clark Kent nearly lets Lois drown before coming up with a way to clandestinely keep her from spilling over Niagara Falls. And this is the guy that loves Lois, remember? Yet keeping the whole “Clark Kent = Superman” thing a secret is so important it trumps saving the life of his sweetie.

All of which is total bullshit. There is absolutely no reason for Superman to maintain the Clark Kent identity at all. The whole pretense is an utter waste of time. This isn’t like over in Gotham City, where Batman is just a dude in a suit. Batman needs all kinds of resources that billionaire Bruce Wayne provides.

Superman, on the other hand, actually is Superman. It’s Clark Kent that is the assumed identity; why not just shed it entirely? Couldn’t he just be Superman all the time? Of course he could. He gains nothing and protects nothing by prancing around as a butterfingered reporter half of the time.

Supes, seriously: Stop it.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• More Adventures with Superman
• In Defense of Batman Returns
• Superman: Doomsday
• No Supes for You
• My Superman Woes