Alarmist idiots use the term “Frankenfood” to baselessly cast aspersions on technological advances that feed the starving and save lives. But even I will admit that a foodstuff has come on the market that’s so diabolical it could only have been dreamed up in the lab of a cackling mad scientists, full of lightning rods and abnormal brains.

I refer, of course, to NEW Strawberried Peanut Butter m&m’s.

Peanut Butter is the greatest of the many varieties of m&m’s. I’ve been known to strip down to my drawers, turn on a Jeffersons marathon, and eat thirty-eight two-pound bags of those glorious, goober pea infused nuggets. Yet never in all my years of binging have I stopped, fists full of candy and laboring to breathe like the triceratops in Jurassic Park, and thought to myself: What these peanut butter candies need are natural and artificial strawberry flavors.

But somebody did.

The combination of flavors is virtually indescribable, but let me try—it’s like eating a package of jackrabbit doots. Well, not quite as pleasant as that, but you get the idea.

Fittingly for a candy so terrible, the packaging and huge display at the gas station indicate it’s all part of a tie-in for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. My particular package has a picture of two m&m’s—known as The TWINS, evidently—who are sort of dressed like robots, I guess. It also claims to be “Limited Edition Collector’s Pack 7 of 7.” So it looks like I’ll be heading back to the gas station to buy six more of these.

I jest, of course. This candy sucks.

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