Look, I’ll be the first to admit that the new Star Trek movie had a number of things in it that were dumb and even a few that were thoroughly retarded (I’m looking at you, Spock/Uhura makeouts). But I’m gonna come to the defense of something I hear reviewer after reviewer mention. See, the story hinges on time travel, and in this particular flick the method of time travel involves artificially created black holes. And all these cats are sreaming “No way, Jose! Black hole? More like plot hole lol! Black holes don’t work like that! I hope someone got fired for that blunder.”

Are these people fuckin’ serious? They’re talking about time travel! Nothing works that way. Time dravel doesn’t exist. Would these people say, “Excuse me, Doc Brown, DeLoreans cannot drive back to the 1950s?” Would they say to H.G. Wells’ time traveler, “Hey, don’t you know that time machines cannot move through time?” Or how about, “I beg your pardon, Connecticut yankee, but falling asleep cannot make you be in King Arthur’s court?” No one method of time travel is more ridiculous than another because—listen carefully, now—they’re all fucking impossible.

What the black hole story point amounts to is “there was a magic hole in space and they drove through it.” It’s meaningless, story-driving MacGuffin, no different than if Spock said, “The 39 steps sent me through time.”

On the other hand, part of Jurassic Park leaves me baffled on every viewing, though I’ve seen the film at least, oh, ninety billion times (it’s the first movie I ever saw more than once in the theater). I’ve been trying to make sense of this since my first opening-day viewing, but I’ve had no luck. Though I guess it’s not so much a plot hole as a “what the hell is going on with the layout of this park” sort of thing.

The scene we’re going to be dealing with is when the T. rex first attacks the two electric cars. You remember how the scene goes because it’s awesome: homeboy knocks down his electric fence then comes smokin’ out of his* paddock and into cinema history. He menaces everybody for a while before knocking the car with Tim still in it over a humongous drop. The car falls a huge distance before coming to a stop in the top of a tall tree, from which point it then has to fall a further distance to the ground. Exciting, yes.

But that big drop where the car falls is right where the T. rex came striding out only moments before. The car goes over right at the hole in the fence made by the T. rex when he first escaped from his enclosure. Remember when the car is getting pushed over and Dr. Grant and Lex are hanging on wires, trying desperately to swing out of the way of the tumbling vehicle? Those wires they’re hanging on are the wires of the knocked down fence. It’s the same spot where the T. rex was standing on completely level ground! What the hell is going on here?

And don’t even get me started on the circuit breakers—which you would only need to access if the power to the park, including the electric fences around the carnivorous dinosaurs, had gone out—being in the maintenance shed “at the other end of the compound” from where all the people would be. Who designed this place?

*Yes I know that this dinosaur was supposed to be a girl and I also know that in real T. rexes the females were larger than the males. Fuck all that, T. rexes are boys.

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