Mark’s recent blog praising the SNES got me thinking about some of my favorite games for that system. Super Mario World was great, of course, as was Super Mario Kart. I was always a big fan of the caveman adventure Joe & Mac. Super Empire Strikes Back is perhaps the hardest video game ever made for any system. Super Castlevania IV was my favorite game in the series. And let’s not forget the system’s Family Feud cartridge, where you could sometimes answer “refrigerator” and have it accept it as “trampoline.”

But of all the games, there is one that stands out above the rest for me, and it stands out for a simple reason. That reason is this: I will completely kick your ass at Tetris Attack. That’s right. You, you and you. I’ll kick all your asses. I don’t care how good you think you are at video games or your previous track record with puzzle games like this one. None of that matters. What matters is that when you play Tetris Attack against me, I will kick your ass and I will not stop kicking your ass until it is bloody and raw and you are crying like a small girl.

The game itself is awesome, and I am frankly the most awesome at it. In two player mode there is none who can defeat me. In one player vs. mode, anything less than the secret Extra Hard difficulty level is just a waste of my time. I will knock down each computer opponent with a quickness, whether it’s the fish who sounds like he’s barfing, the piranha plant who says “Spicy Bitch!” or Bowser himself. In the endless mode, I’ve been known to make a single game last the length of all nine Beethoven symphonies. In short, I am a master.

The object of the game is to line up different colored panels to clear them. Despite borrowing the name, it isn’t much like the original Tetris. That’s okay, though, because Tetris Attack is way better. It’s more difficult, more fun and it has a character named Flamer Guy. Plus, Yoshi shits out eggs whenever you do well, and when the eggs hatch they rain terrible destruction down on your opponent.

Yes, Tetris Attack is one awesome game, and I highly recommend that all of you play it all the time. And the most important thing to remember is this: Don’t even try to beat me, because I will seriously destroy you with my almost supernatural skills. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Simple (virtual) Pleasures
• Remember Some Old Computer Game?
• Pinky and the Brain: Still Awesome
• The Cooter Game
• Fucking Awesome: “Deviant” Artist Offered Job with Matt Groening