As a person who learned long ago that it would be impossible for him to form meaningful emotional attachments to real people, I’ve made movies my primary way of coping with and thinking about the world. As a result, almost everything I experience reminds me of a movie in some way.

Storylines, scenes, snippets of dialogue, they’re all constantly running through my head. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t think I wonder what Friend X is doing today, I should call him up and see if he wants to hang out; I think  man, that scene in Lady Killer where Cagney drags Mae Clark across the room by her hair is soooooo awesome!

What did I tell you?
So even though my brain is constantly bombarded by moments I’ve seen on the silver screen, they rarely prompt me to actually do anything. I stand in line at the bank and am reminded of The Bank Dick, but I don’t feel irresistibly compelled to rush home and have a W.C. Fields festival. The sight of a shopping mall never fails to remind me of Dawn of the Dead, but I’m not overcome by the urge to shamble around eating human flesh (at least, not any more so than is usual).

The exception to all this is Jaws. If the slightest thing reminds me of it, it’s impossible for me to rest easy again until I’ve watched it. I walk by a TV showing a shark documentary, I have to watch Jaws. I see any of the leads in anything else, I have to watch Jaws. Somebody says anything that even vaguely resembles a line from the movie, I have to watch Jaws. A dude approaches me wearing a hideous suit with little anchors all over it, I have to watch Jaws.

Seriously, can you believe that thing?
It’s just that this movie is so great! There’s not a wasted moment, not a single frame I would change. Thank god they made it back when having a giant shark in your movie was difficult. If this movie came out today, you’d be seeing that shark from the first reel, and nobody’d give a shit about the dumb fish picture.

There are so many great scenes it’d be impossible to list them all. Hell, the whole picture is one great scene after another. Of course, there are lots of great movies out there, but for whatever reason, only Jaws has the power to force me to watch it any time it wants.

I guess what I’m saying is Jaws is great and you should watch it. Bold statements, I know.

TRUE FACT: To this day, my father swears that Chief Brody’s line when he’s about to kill the shark is the nonsensical “Expire, you son of a bitch!” This is why nobody visits him in the home for the disturbed.

FURTHER TRUE FACT: You yell “shark” and we’ve got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Meditation on a Swear Word
• Batman Returns
• The Greatest Moment in Film History
• Home Alone
• Star Wars