Hey, cats, see if you can guess what!

That’s right, my birthday is this weekend. And if there’s one thing I like to do on my birthday, it’s drink Pabst Blue Ribbon until I can no longer stand or maintain bowel control.

The Breakfast of ChampionsBut if there’s another thing I like to do on my birthday, it’s not think about Orson Welles at all. At most times of year, I think about Orson Welles basically nonstop. Remember that awesome thing he says about cuckoo clocks in The Third Man? The tracking shot in Touch of Evil? The “standard rich and famous contract” from The Muppet Movie? Whether he’s writing and directing or just acting, Orson Welles is just about my favorite person in the history of entertainment.

But now that my birthday’s coming, I just don’t want to think about him at all. Why? Well, by the time Orson Welles was my age, he’d already done the War of the Worlds broadcast and was at work on Citizen Kane. That’s right, at my age, this dude had already created the Greatest Of All Time in not one but two different media.

I, on the other hand, have a dumb website that doesn’t even have paying advertisers and that people only come to looking for information on “best Star Trek episodes” and “Last House on the Left true story” and “watch Raiders of the Lost Ark online” which, I might point out, is a service this website does not even offer. I have never done anything that anyone has cared about; Orson Welles had already rocked the motherfucking world two times. So I’ll try not to focus on that on my birthday, when I’m sitting in my underpants guzzling beer and watching season seven of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

But the news isn’t all bad, I guess. In some ways, I actually am like Orson Welles. By which I mean I’m bearded, morbidly obese, smoke all the time and can barely walk. So really, the only thing about Orson Welles that I skipped over was being a handsome genius with an awesome voice before morphing into Jabba the Hutt.

Happy birthday to me! Think I’ll kill myself!

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Pinky and the Brain: Still Awesome
• Abrams’ Star Trek Proves Lens Flares are The Key to Time Travel
• The State of Star Trek
• Leave Jersey Girl Alone!
• Plot Holes in Star Trek and, Why Not, Jurassic Park