Long ago when we wrote about the fact that J.K. Rowling says Dumbledore is gay, a commenter pointed out the extremely salient point that the letters in Albus Dumbledore can be rearranged to spell “Male bods rule, bud.” This, we can all agree, is wonderful. But what dirty, kinky, sexy secrets are hidden in the names of some other characters from the Harry Potter universe? Wonder no longer!

Consider Neville Longbottom, who could be said to be “levelling on bottom.” One might also suggest that he gets drunk and has gay sex with numerous partners, given the evidence of “Blotto? Long live men!” It’s also possible he has a breast milk fetish, given “bottling melon love.”

Do you remember the character Malcolm Baddock? Neither do I, but perhaps you can find this Hogwarts student at a shopping mall cruising for dudes. He has, after all, a “cock-mad mall bod.”

Perhaps only Sirius Black is as explicit in his desires. He boldly announces “I lick, rub ass.”

Hetty Bayliss will have none of this, however. “I let thy ass by,” she proudly proclaims.

Then there is Humphrey Belcher, is likely in a relationship with a dude named Herbert, given his fondness for “Herb-hump lechery.”

Stay away from Minerva McGonagall: she has a terrifying “mongrel clam vagina.”

And while we’re on the subject, Cuthbert Binns has this to say: “Cunt berths nib.” Indeed it does!

Even beloved Hermione Granger gets in on the action when she sends to all the boys at Hogwarts a memo that begins “Re: Gang me hornier.”

Mundungus Fletcher is truly disgusting, and perhaps sacrilegious, as his name can be rearranged to spell “‘Felch!’ urged smut-nun.”

What does Severus Snape like to do when evening rolls around? He likes to see some assholes, judging by “vesper anuses.”

All of which brings us around to Bellatrix Lestrange. She’s truly one to keep an eye on. She’s an enthusiast of “lateral trebling sex” as well as “brittler anal gel sex.” She also has corrupted at least one youth, given “girl exerts anal belt.” And she seems to be a member of a “telltale bra sex ring.” (Telltale Bra? It’s the beating of her hideous tits!) She also seems to be looking for a sexy crossover with Star Trek. She believes that children born of mixed Orion/Trill parentage should not be tax exempt, as she supports “taxable green Trills.” But where’s the sex, you ask? Well, she’s been pitching ideas for some hot lingerie for Jadzia Dax to wear, specifically an “elegant Trill sex-bra.”

Could I keep doing this all day? Yes.

If You Hated This, You Will Also Totally Hate:

• Is Dumbledore Gay?
• Harry Potter and the Sodomite Teacher
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
• Pre-Potter Ponderings
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix