What with a new comic book movie being released every thirteen minutes or so, I got to thinking about the members of the superhero team known as the Fantastic Four. The name pretty much comes right out and promises greatness, doesn’t it? But the product doesn’t deliver. They aren’t so much fantastic as they are useless turds. Consider:

Mr. Fantastic
Reed Richards, who fancies himself Mr. Fantastic, has the ability to stretch. Oooooh, how useful. Outside of a few very specific circumstances (reaching things atop the refrigerator, pulling Timmy Martin out of the well he’s fallen into, warming up for particularly vigorous calisthenics), being able to extend your arms is a pretty worthless superpower.

The Invisible Girl
Oh, oops, we’re not supposed to call her Invisible Girl anymore, now she’s Invisible Woman, hear her roar. Well, whether she’s a girl or a woman, whether she’s had her consciousness raised by feminism or not, her superpower sucks ass. Invisibility seems cool, conceptually, but in practice it would be stupid. What good is it? None! Sure you could sit in on a meeting at the supervillian’s headquarters, but you would still make sound and you would still have to visibly open the door to get into the meeting. Here’s who thinks being invisible would be useful: Fourteen year old boys who have Porky’s-fueled fantasies of going undedected in the girls’ locker room. And that’s just about it.

The Human Torch
Aaah, a superhero with the power to light himself on fire. That’s the guy you want on your side, right? Right in the middle of a battle with Dr. Doom he stops and says, “Sorry, guys, I can’t fight anymore, I have to protest the administration of Ngo Dinh Diem,” and whoomph! you’re fighting the bad guy without him. That kind of loose cannon has no place on a crimefighting team.

The Thing
Ha! Fuck this guy! “Watch out, dudes, I am made of rocks. Grrrr!” Puh-leeze.

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