Join our hero as he learns that, oops, he has been enjoying Nazis for years without realizing it.

Keep reading...

Listen up, smarty pantses. I am in serious need of some help figuring something out in The Godfather, and I figure maybe you guys can help me. I’ve only seen the movie about a million times, and apparently that isn’t enough. So come on, what’s up?

Keep reading...

Even as I type these words, I’m eating Kellogg’s Limited Edition Indiana Jones Chocolate Cereal with Marshmallows. Can you believe it? You’d better believe it.

Keep reading...

After Mark and me, the only movie reviewer I think isn’t chock full of shit is Roger Ebert. Sure, there are times when I disagree with his positions, but I think he’s usually right about things. And most importantly, when I don’t think he’s right, I can at least see his reasoning. But I have to take issue with something I’ve just read.

Keep reading...

Once upon a time, Lucasfilm put out two trilogies of great movies. Everyone loved them and longed for more, but it seemed each series was destined not to go beyond three entries. Then, many years later, some sequels to one of those trilogies finally arrived. Everyone got their panties all in a bind, their bowels aroar with excitement. Then those sequels turned out to be indisputably horrible and everyone everywhere was disillusioned, most of all me. A few years later, along came a sequel to that other trilogy of great movies, a sequel called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And saints be praised, it didn’t bite the big one like the new entries in that other series did. No, it turns out that the new Indiana Jones movie is pretty okay.

Keep reading...

Poor Indy, his luck’s just the worst.
When the Well of Souls opened, he cursed.
There were audible gasps
And then Sallah said “Asps!
“Very dangerous! You should go first!”

Keep reading...

Rating:
I’m not gonna lie to you: Raiders of the Lost Ark might be my favorite movie. It’s definitely the movie I’ve seen the most times. In fact, I’ve probably seen it more times than Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi put together. Crammed into its two hours is each and every one of the elements I look for in a movie, and once they start coming they never stop.

Keep reading...

Taped to my bedroom wall is a sealed envelope with all the treasures a man could ask for inside it. On the outside of the envelope is printed the following legend:

Keep reading...

Rating:
I hope you guys appreciate all I do for you. I could review an easy movie—Stripes, for example, or Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Watching those would be enjoyable. Heck, it would even be a downright good time. Instead, I am willing to put myself through the unimaginable terror of watching Attack of the Clones, the single most wretched movie ever made. I’m not sure I’ll have adequate words to describe the pain, the fear and the suffering that this movie causes, but I’ll try. It’s all for you.

Keep reading...

Any time you go to a movie that’s based on a novel, you’re bound to hear some fat guy who wants to look smart proclaiming that “the book was better.” Usually he’s right, of course. But since everyone already knows that the book is almost always better, the only reason this guy loudly says that as he’s leaving the theater is so everyone who overhears can realize what a genius he is because he knows how to read. It’s annoying habit, and I promise I’ll stop doing it just as soon as I stop wanting to look like an awesome genius.

So yes, when a movie is adapted from a pre-existing novel, the novel is almost always the superior telling of the story. That’s not to say, however, that there haven’t been many great films based on great books. But one of the motion picture industry’s unique powers is to take a really fantastic book and turn it into a movie that profoundly sucks. Let’s look at a few of those.

Keep reading...