Have you guys heard about The Sorcerer's Apprentice? It's a movie from Disney scheduled to come out next year as part of their effort to release various blights upon the world. Now, I know what you think of when you think Sorcerer's Apprentice, because I know you've seen Fantasia, but here's a refresher course on what goes down in that famous cartoon: Mickey is a lazy bum who’ll do anything to get out of the simple chore of hauling gallons upon gallons of water for no clearly defined reason. To avoid having to do the work himself, Mickey whips up a little magic and brings a broom to life, intending it to be his slave forever. “Let the broom carry my water” has always been Mickey Mouse’s philosophy. So he makes a broom and it does just that. Unfortunately, Mickey gets a little more than he bargained for. (OMINOUS!) As you might expect, things quickly spiral out of control, with anthropomorphic brooms and water everywhere, and the Sorceror is forced to save Mickey’s bacon. Mickey learns a valuable lesson about meddling with powers he doesn’t understand and can’t control and gets a whack in the ass for his troubles. So yeah. Mouse, ...

#10: "A View to a Kill" by Duran Duran, 1985   You can surely tell that this song dates from 1985, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sure, nobody remembers Duran Duran now, but way back then this song went all the way to number one, making it one of the most successful of the Bond songs. Dance into the fire. Do it!   #9: "All Time High" by Rita Coolidge, 1983 The movie was called Octopussy, but that's a tough title to make a love song out of, so you'll forgive them for going in another direction. The track didn't have the success that "A View to a Kill" would, but it did reach number one on the Adult Contemporary char—but try not to hold that against it. It also contains a line that nicely sums up what the Bond movies are: "a sweet distraction for an hour or two." #8: "Tomorrow Never Dies" by Sheryl Crow, 1997 When a song mentions "martinis, girls and guns," you know it has the best interests of James Bond at heart. #7: "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" by John Barry Orchestra, 1969 Poor On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Everybody's always bagging on the flick because it's the one with George ...

Look, I'll be the first to admit that the new Star Trek movie had a number of things in it that were dumb and even a few that were thoroughly retarded (I'm looking at you, Spock/Uhura makeouts). But I'm gonna come to the defense of something I hear reviewer after reviewer mention. See, the story hinges on time travel, and in this particular flick the method of time travel involves artificially created black holes. And all these cats are sreaming "No way, Jose! Black hole? More like plot hole lol! Black holes don't work like that! I hope someone got fired for that blunder." Are these people fuckin' serious? They're talking about time travel! Nothing works that way. Time dravel doesn't exist. Would these people say, "Excuse me, Doc Brown, DeLoreans cannot drive back to the 1950s?" Would they say to H.G. Wells' time traveler, "Hey, don't you know that time machines cannot move through time?" Or how about, "I beg your pardon, Connecticut yankee, but falling asleep cannot make you be in King Arthur's court?" No one method of time travel is more ridiculous than another because—listen carefully, now—they're all fucking impossible. What the black hole story point amounts to is ...

First I decided to celebrate the Star Trek release with a list of my top ten episodes of the original series. I did it in part because I love the show so much and in part because making a top ten list is so very easy. I figured there'd be no way to ever top writing an article like that...unless it was by writing an even equally easy article! So in that spirit, here are, why not, my ten favorite episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. (Special Bonus: In some of these episode trailers, you will get the privilege of hearing from the awesome semi-pirate announcer who always says "Next time on Starrrrrr Trek." So enjoy that.) #10: Deja Q Omnipotent superbeing Q is stripped of his powers, leaving him an ordinarily potent regulobeing. A number of great moments ensue, including Q's butt-nekkid arrival and a mariachi band playing on the Enterprise bridge, but none match the moment of Q's epiphany, when he realizes that he's a real dickhead and Data is awesome. When he confesses that the android makes a better man than he'll ever be, it's the only time you feel genuine sympathy for Q. #9: Time's Arrow Time travel? Check. A ...

[rating:.5] Close your eyes, ladies and gentlemen, and prepare to be swept away to a land of awe and excitement, where really really difficult mysteries such as "whats beneath this manhole," and "hey, what's behind that hole in the wall" are answered in astoundingly clever ways, such as removing the manhole or going through a doorway. Yes, it's another one of Dan Brown's pseudo-religious, pseudo-scientific, 100% insulting mysteries, and when it's not completely disrupting the natural flow of the story with throwaway scenes stroking the ego of the Catholic church, it's completely disrupting the natural flow of the story with throwaway scenes insulting science. Dan Brown and Ron Howard are the folks who brought us The Da Vinci Code and the movie version of it, respectively, so you pretty much know what you're going to get in this sequel -- but you get so much more! In this adventure, the Vatican itself is under attack from that ancient evil, SCIENCE, embodied by the Illuminati with their Antimatter and their eyeglasses. But wait, could there be someone else involved -- perhaps someone from the church itself? No, probably not. Because, as the movie is constantly reminding us, Catholicism is just too ...

That's right, Ninja Turtles in 2011. No combination of words could make me happier than that, unless it was "Ninja Turtles in 2012" and it was printed on a political yard sign. But yeah, it turns out there's gonna be a new live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles adventure coming in 2011. I'm a dude who grew up crazynuts for the Turtles. The 1990 movie was probably the first flick I was ever excited to go see during the pre-release buildup. (Gremlins 2 came out in 1990, too! What a banner year for a five-year-old movie guy!) And I may be the only person in the Milky Way galaxy who thoroughly enjoyed 2007's TMNT. I can still remember all the words to the Partnerz in Kryme rap that plays over the end credits of the first movie. So what I'm saying is, I can't effin' wait for this new Turtles movie. I finally made it through Star Trek and thought I wouldn't be called upon to become a gushing fanboy idiot about a movie for a long time. After all, Lord of the Rings is long over and so, mercifully, are Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Two out of the last three ...

There's nothing people love more than having arguments about what's the greatest movie of all time. A lot of people will say Citizen Kane or Casablanca or The Godfather. Some people might throw a foreign movie at you, maybe Tokyo Story or The 400 Blows. Some really stupid people will even say The Shawshank Redemption. But I'm here to tell you that all those people are as wrong as they could possibly be. I'm completely confident that I'm about to tell you about the best movie ever made, and I've never even seen the thing. Based solely on this trailer, I'm prepared to declare this the greatest cinematic achievement possible. The flick unleashes its direct-to-home-video magic later this month, so ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. And yes, that was totally Debbie Gibson. Only in My Dreams did I imagine a movie about a shark and an octopus fighting would have Debbie Gibson in it; it seems to have come Out of the Blue! I would like to continue with jokes about "Lost in Your Eyes" and, of course, "Foolish Beat," but I just can't crack those nuts. But the point is, undersea monsters menacing Debbie Gibson!

SPOILER ALERT: The new Star Trek movie is filled to the fucking brim with lens flares! Now, there are some things that director J.J. Abrams likes more than anything else, and those things are the following: time travel and the Cloverfield monster. Predictably, both of those things figured prominently in this latest film (just like everything else he's ever done) -- but imagine my surprise to find out that there was yet a third thing he obsesses about like a 13-year-old: Lens flares. Check it. Even the tips of Spock's pointy ears shine radiant beams of light directly at the camera: Personally, I liked the lens flares. I thought they looked cool and added some much needed flair (GET IT?) to the background of the Enterprise's interior, which was purposefully simplistic and styled to match the original backgrounds. Others found it kind of annoying because others are dipshits. Here's what Abrams had to say about the flares in an interview with io9: I know what you're saying with the lens flares. It was one of those things... I wanted a visual system that felt unique. I know there are certain shots where even I watch and ...

Lord, I wish the Batman TV series would come to DVD.

So the scuttlebutt is that Shirley Jones—yes, that Shirley Jones—might get all nekkid for Playboy magazine. Now, I'm not one of those people who flatly rejects the idea that old people (Jones is 75) can be sexual, but I'm skeptical about whether they need to do it in print. I mean, Playboy is already difficult enough to punch the munchkin to, what with its tasteful lighting and overabundance of articles. Do they really need to add geriatrics to that list? But age isn't the only issue. If I heard there was going to be a Playboy spread  featuring some 75-year-old nobody, I probably wouldn't even bat an eye. But this is Shirley Jones we're talking about it. Be very honest: are you at all comfortable with the idea of Mrs. Partridge letting all her goodies hang out? Come on, get awkward! So I'm not saying Shirley Jones just shouldn't be allowed to be naked. I'm just saying that of all the things I thought I would ever hear, this is among the most totally unexpected.