ESCAPE FROM TOMORROW Original Air Date: September 13, 1974 Written By: Art Wallace Directed By: Don Weis Have you ever been lying on the ground taking a nap, minding your own business, when a punk kid runs up with his dog and forces you to climb a tree to avoid harm? And then, while you're in the tree, has a big arrowhead shaped spaceship ever come crashing down right before your eyes? No? Then you've obviously never been on...THE PLANET OF THE APES!!! Once the sound of the crashing space-triangle has scared away the punk kid and his dog (the punk kid was a talking chimpanzee omg!!), the old napping man comes scuttling out of his tree to investigate. He pokes around outside the rocketship, getting it to open almost immediately and, as you or I would do with a mysterious, possibly hostile capsule from beyond the stars, he climbs right inside and starts poking around some more. Inside the capsule he finds three NASA astronauts from that year of bustling interstellar travel, 1980, ranging in style from unconscious with dark hair to dead and blond. He manages to drag the two surviving spacemen out of sight just as Arno, the punk ape kid, returns to ...

Alarmist idiots use the term "Frankenfood" to baselessly cast aspersions on technological advances that feed the starving and save lives. But even I will admit that a foodstuff has come on the market that's so diabolical it could only have been dreamed up in the lab of a cackling mad scientists, full of lightning rods and abnormal brains. I refer, of course, to NEW Strawberried Peanut Butter m&m's. Peanut Butter is the greatest of the many varieties of m&m's. I've been known to strip down to my drawers, turn on a Jeffersons marathon, and eat thirty-eight two-pound bags of those glorious, goober pea infused nuggets. Yet never in all my years of binging have I stopped, fists full of candy and laboring to breathe like the triceratops in Jurassic Park, and thought to myself: What these peanut butter candies need are natural and artificial strawberry flavors. But somebody did. The combination of flavors is virtually indescribable, but let me try—it's like eating a package of jackrabbit doots. Well, not quite as pleasant as that, but you get the idea. Fittingly for a candy so terrible, the packaging and huge display at the gas station indicate it's all part of a tie-in for Transformers: Revenge of ...

I've noticed a strange pattern emerging in the career of one Dennis Quaid.  Namely, he now inexplicably agrees to star in bad movies and lends them all kinds of undue credence with his very presence. We're all aware of the ridiculous GI JOE movie coming out very soon, which probably wouldn't even exist if he hadn't signed on to it, but does anyone remember Vantage Point?  Probably not.  Well, Dennis Quaid was the star at the center of that cool-looking-movie-gone-awful, and it went down and took everyone else with it.  Remember Forrest Whittaker, fresh off his Oscar win?  He never worked again after this stinker.  Same goes for Matthew Fox, the once-promising star of Lost.  Now?  Might be dead.  And Sigourney Weaver?  Let's just say she only wishes she could land an Activia commercial like aging rival Jamie Lee Curtis. Check out the trailer, kids: Looks pretty great, right?  I thought so too -- but it wasn't.  And I blame Dennis Quaid.  Why?  Because now he's moved on to a fresh set of rising stars to ruin with GI JOE.  Sienna Miller and Channing Tatum won't know what hit them after this travesty runs its course -- let alone that poor innocent Wayans ...

[rating:2] I saw this movie over the weekend, but I was so entirely underwhelmed I couldn't even bring myself to review it in a timely manner.  Besides, everyone else already reviewed it.  What else is there to add?  Oh yeah, this:  don't see it. Terminator Salvation was directed by a guy named McG, which is just silly.  And I'm not talking about his name -- I'm talking about the fact that he's employed.  The only other notable thing he's done is direct Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and a couple of Cyprus Hill music videos.  (This is notable because: why do they keep hiring him?) One thing McG does bring to the table is a slew of silly named people, some but not all of whom are former and current music pseudo-stars looking to be actors instead of the other things they aren't very good at.  Things like music.  The IMDB cast list for this little blockbuster includes choice peeps such as:  Common, Jadagrace, Moon Bloodgood, and Helena Bonham Carter.  See?  Silly names! And oh yeah, they made a movie all together.  It was called this one, and it tried really, really hard to be good.  If I told you all the scenes and themes ...

We've all had the experience of really enjoying a movie, only to tell our friends about it and find out they all hated it and are all laughing at you when you get up to go to the bathroom. Here are ten such movies for me, ranging from some I kinda like to some I really love, but all of which earn me cock-eyed looks and a bewildered "Wait, really?" #10: Batman Returns Now, I don't love this movie, but I do like it. It definitely deserves better than the reputation it has and despite the above trailer making it actually look pretty terrible, I'm ever willing to defend it. My colleague Mark is on record saying: "I don't really enjoy watching Batman Returns at all." Well, you know what I don't enjoy, Mark? I don't enjoy that time in middle school gym class that you turned up all the doors on the lockers so they were stuck open and then wouldn't confess for a while and everybody in the class almost had to run a bunch of extra laps. That's what I don't enjoy at all, buddy! #9: BASEketball This is the only movie I can think of that gives you the chance to ...

Here are some relevant quotes from Empire's unconscionably positive review of Terminator Salvation. "For 25 years fans have waited to see the future war between man and machine..." "McG has sparked a moribund franchise back to life, giving fans the post-apocalyptic action they’ve been craving since they first saw a metal foot crush a human skull two decades ago. " " McG’s film boldly moves forward; gone is the standard chase structure of the Terminator franchise..." Obviously, this writer (not to mention the filmmakers) has never seen a Terminator movie in his life. Nobody has been wanting to see the actual war between man and machines. Nobody's been craving post-apocalpytic action. Those parts of the first two movies were boring! What was interesting about the Terminator movies was the idea of something coming from an uncertain future to do damage in the past. What was interesting about the Terminator movies was the one mere protector vs. one super killing machine and the dogged relentless pursuit. The "chase structure" being gone is hardly a reason to applaud this new film. This reviewer and the whole creative team behind Terminator Salvation have missed the point entirely. And while I'm on the subject, when will they stop making PG-13 ...

In 1994 came a movie called Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, and it's combination of jokes about buttholes and chicks with dicks propelled lead actor Jim Carrey into superstardom. Because Hollywood is never one to leave terrible enough alone, the next year came Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, which upped the ante by including jokes about bat feces and the buttholes of rhinoceroses. Then this year, long after everyone thought they would never have to think about Ace Ventura again, came Ace Ventura Jr: Pet Detective. Yes, this really exists, apparently. Now, I was all set to review it for you, because I knew from previous research (yes I have done Ace Ventura related research do you want to fight about it) that the whole movie was available on YouTube. Imagine then my surprise when I went to the site today to watch the movie and found that it had been taken off YouTube! Awww, dang! Looks like I won't be able to sit here for ninety minutes wishing that I was dead. I don't know why this movie exists. The original Ace Ventura movies were despicable; why anyone thought we needed another sequel fifteen years later is beyond me. Watch the trailer ...

Well, really, I hate going to the movies. Over the weekend I was called upon to see Star Trek again, as a sad lonely man I know didn't want to go by himself, and for some inscrutable reason I went. I knew this was a mistake, because seeing movies in the theater multiple times almost always is. Here's a complete list of movies I've gone to see more than once in the theater: Jurassic Park The Lost World: Jurassic Park Jurassic Park III The Phantom Menace The Two Towers The Green Mile Star Trek Some of these movies I like and some I wish I hadn't even seen once, but in every case except the original Jurassic Park, seeing it twice was a huge mistake. The theatrical run of even a hit blockbuster is just too short to go back and see the movie that big and that loud a second time. Anything you didn't like about the movie the first time just seems amplified, and because you've seen it once before you're able to notice all new things that bother you. In all but one instance, I've come away from a second theatrical viewing of a movie liking it far less (or hating it even more, depending ...

[rating: 2] A friend and I had an argument recently. This argument was about whether Superman movies were awesome or terrible. We indulged in a bit of mature back and forth on the subject—”You’re an idiot, Superman rocks!” “No, you’re an idiot!”—but when all was said and done, I came away having learned three very important things: I was right, he was wrong, and Superman is great. So I was naturally in a Superman kind of mood last night at the video store when I saw Superman: Doomsday, a 2007 direct-to-DVD animated feature. A quick scan of the back of the box revealed it to be an adaptation of the Death of Superman comics series, which remain the only comic books I’ve ever bought. This sort of thing is right up my alley, plus I figured it’d only provide me with more proof that I was right and my friend was wrong. Unfortunately, that didn’t turn out to be the case. Here’s the story. Some of Lex Luthor’s lackeys are digging way down in the earth for some reason or another, cracking jokes about Satan’s rectum (seriously), when they come across a big buried safe. Locked inside is Doomsday, an enormous spiny guy ...