What with a new comic book movie being released every thirteen minutes or so, I got to thinking about the members of the superhero team known as the Fantastic Four. The name pretty much comes right out and promises greatness, doesn't it? But the product doesn't deliver. They aren't so much fantastic as they are useless turds. Consider: Mr. Fantastic Reed Richards, who fancies himself Mr. Fantastic, has the ability to stretch. Oooooh, how useful. Outside of a few very specific circumstances (reaching things atop the refrigerator, pulling Timmy Martin out of the well he's fallen into, warming up for particularly vigorous calisthenics), being able to extend your arms is a pretty worthless superpower. The Invisible Girl Oh, oops, we're not supposed to call her Invisible Girl anymore, now she's Invisible Woman, hear her roar. Well, whether she's a girl or a woman, whether she's had her consciousness raised by feminism or not, her superpower sucks ass. Invisibility seems cool, conceptually, but in practice it would be stupid. What good is it? None! Sure you could sit in on a meeting at the supervillian's headquarters, but you would still make sound and you would still have to visibly open the door to get into ...

At long freaking last, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie is again available on DVD. It was released yesterday, and for anyone who doesn't own it yet, or who wants a chance to replace an old VHS copy, I have this advice to offer you: Run out and buy it right now! It's bad enough that they're always taking MST3K away from us. By its very nature, there are a lot of issues of rights ownership and so many times a boxed set of episodes is released only to be pulled again pretty quickly. And previous releases of MST3K: The Movie have gone out of print almost as soon as they were released. So there's already incentive to snag a copy in a hurry. But consider this piece of news, in addition to all that. I went to my local Best Buy yesterday morning as soon as they opened. I was waiting outside and as soon as they unlocked the doors I went rip-roaring in. In that way, I managed to obtain one of the two copies the store had in stock. That's right—two copies was the entirety of their supply. Within minutes after I bought mine, the other was sold, and ...

It's long been a topic of entertainment gossip that, in order to make their performances seem "real," the director got Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz drunk during the filming of certain scenes in "What Happens in Vegas" -- but now there's proof. It's kind of interesting to see the tactics. Plus, hey, drunk is funny.

[rating: 2.5] What Happens in Vegas is Hollywood's next entry in a seemingly endless string of romantic comedies which try to market themselves to both the male and female demographics. The trailer is full of wild, loud party shots of the movie's attractive stars living it up in glamorous Las Vegas, and then playing endless pranks on one another, each trying to drive the other one crazy after they're forced to live together. But I hope you weren't actually interested in seeing those things the trailer promised, because the film is definitely chock full of everything but parties and pranks. In fact, steer clear of the film entirely if you hate the sort of movie that showed you all the "good parts" in the previews, because this one certainly fits that description. What actually happens in the film is Cameron Diaz's character gets dumped by her fiance, and Ashton Kutcher's character gets fired from his job. They both go to Vegas to drown their sorrows, and end up getting married to each other. Then, they hit a $3 Million jackpot on their way out, right after they decided -- for reasons which were never actually clear -- that they hated one ...

It's been almost ten minutes since I posted something about Star Wars, so I'd better remedy that situation doublequick.

[display_podcast] Open wide your ears and hearken unto us as we engage in a surprisingly serious discussion of The State of the Comedy.* On the table are such diverse topics as: Judd Apatow: Why don't you stop? Wayans Brothers: Too many? Satire: Where it go? Stripes: Definitely pretty good *The President shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Comedy, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.

You guys, for real. I know most people these days aren't interested in anything more than six weeks old, but that's insane. Just as brand new does not immediately equal good, nor does old equal bad. And yet there are people who won't even watch movies that are in black and white, let alone a silent movie. But you're missing out. There are good things to be found in eras long gone, from Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin to The Birth of a Nation and Noferatu. There's also this incredible short film, The Great Train Robbery, made 105 years ago in 1903, and pretty much defining most of the elements that would come to feature in the western genre.

So Quantum of Solace, the upcoming 395th film in the James Bond series, is not going to have its title song sung by Amy Winehouse, who apparently can't stop using drugs and getting in fights and recording songs that sound exactly like Easy Reader's theme from The Electric Company. But check out what her producer said about this situation. According to him, Winehouse is "not ready to record any music." Okay fine, whatever. A track was started (I don't know how much work was done on it), but in spite of that beginning he reports that it would take "some miracle of science" to complete the song. Some miracle of science? That's hilarious. Not "some miracle of hey maybe stop being an insane monstrosity of a woman." No, no, it will take some miracle of science. But perhaps I'm making too light of a situation that's actually pretty serious. This statement, as bizarre and stupid as it is, may be indicative of a grander, more sinister plan, on the part of Winehouse's producer. The signs point to his desire to do the whole Jaime Sommers thing with her and create an unholy robo-Winehouse, running fast and hearing whispers over great distances and ...

[rating: 2] A word of warning: You can often tell by the title design of a film -- the way the name of the movie, and its credits, are displayed during the opening sequence -- what kind of movie it's going to be. For example, a horror movie might be more scary if its credits are particularly creepy and well done. But, it's safe to say, if the movie you're watching has a sequence in which the title, and all of the actor's names, break up into little sparkles and flowers, then scatter across the screen, you should probably run. Run very, very fast. And that's exactly how the title design plays out in this week's girlie adventure Made of Honor, which stars Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan, who, disappointingly, lays there on the screen like a dead fish -- a far cry from her sexy-cool performance in Shane Black's underrated Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Instead of lighting up the screen and validating her role as the object of Robert Downey Jr.'s violent affection in the latter film, her flatlining character in Made of Honor seems more a metaphor for the larger failings of the film. Despite what it's sugary title sequence might suggest, ...

[rating: 1.5] The folks at the American Film Institute would have you believe they know best, but if I made a list of the 100 greatest movies, Easy Rider wouldn’t be anywhere near it. It defines an era and an attitude, they say. It encapsulates the disenfranchised soul-searching of an entire generation, they say. Twaddle! The truth is that this movie, as Oscar Madison might say, is garbage. Praise it all you like, but you’ll never convince me that it’s anything more than what it appears to be on the surface—a rambling mish-mash of a low budget biker film, where everyone involved was high all the time and it shows. Despite having Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson in its cast, Easy Rider never stands out as any better than the grainy, pointless motorcycle flicks Joel and his robots would sometimes watch on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Fonda and Hopper smuggle some narcotics in from Mexico to fun their retirement, with a spiritual journey to Mardi Gras planned along the way. In the course of their travels encounter a couple of groups of people who do nothing and don’t matter before finally meeting up with a lawyer for the ACLU (Nicholson) and ...