[rating: 3.5] Once upon a time, Lucasfilm put out two trilogies of great movies. Everyone loved them and longed for more, but it seemed each series was destined not to go beyond three entries. Then, many years later, some sequels to one of those trilogies finally arrived. Everyone got their panties all in a bind, their bowels aroar with excitement. Then those sequels turned out to be indisputably horrible and everyone everywhere was disillusioned, most of all me. A few years later, along came a sequel to that other trilogy of great movies, a sequel called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And saints be praised, it didn’t bite the big one like the new entries in that other series did. No, it turns out that the new Indiana Jones movie is pretty okay. It’s by no means great, but it’s pretty okay. If you go to the theater wanting to see an above average action-adventure movie, you’ll come away satisfied. If you go to the theater wanting to see a movie that’s as good as Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, you will probably be ...

Just a quick note to point out the fact that MSNBC.com has a kind of okay article posted about all the merchandising and delicious snack foods associated with the new Indiana Jones movie: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24655970/ And they even get a Jar-Jar Binks joke in there. As we all should.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull debuted at the Cannes Film Festival, for some reason, on Sunday. Recently, the producers of Hollywood blockbusters have decided to use the prestigious, artsy fartsy international awards show to showcase their... let's say, more mainstream projects. A few years ago The Da Vinci Code got totally owned by critics at the press screening, but they've kept it up, all the same. So it's heartening to see that the festival's snobby audience had a fairly positive, if calculated, reaction. Here's a snippet from French reviewer Alain Spira, from the magazine Paris Match: “It’s good. It’s a product that is polished, industrial, we’re not getting ripped off in terms of quality. You know what you’re going to see, you see what you get, and when you leave you’re happy.” When you leave, you're happy?!? That's the very best kind of review a movie can get! Okay, maybe in France it's kind of a drawback. But everywhere else, that's exactly what I want to hear. Because let me tell you, leaving happy is the opposite of what happened to me in the past year as I saw most other other big budget stinkers, ...

Poor Indy, his luck's just the worst. When the Well of Souls opened, he cursed. There were audible gasps And then Sallah said "Asps! "Very dangerous! You should go first!"

[rating: 5] I’m not gonna lie to you: Raiders of the Lost Ark might be my favorite movie. It’s definitely the movie I’ve seen the most times. In fact, I’ve probably seen it more times than Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi put together. Crammed into its two hours is each and every one of the elements I look for in a movie, and once they start coming they never stop. What makes it kick so much ass? God, where to begin. It’s got people climbing on speeding trucks; it’s got swordfights; it’s got gunplay; it’s got drinking games; it’s got boulders a-chasin’ people; it’s got creepy ghosts. It’s even got John Rhys-Davies! Could you ask for anything more? If you could, you would reveal yourself to be a greedy asshole who is impossible to satisfy. The movie also has Karen Allen in it as Marion Ravenwood. In case your mind flashes back to Animal House, I will tell you this much: unlike in that raunch-comedy, in Raiders of the Lost Ark you do not see her buttcheeks. You can take that as a boon or a detriment depending on your tastes. Okay, this review’s getting all over the ...

Taped to my bedroom wall is a sealed envelope with all the treasures a man could ask for inside it. On the outside of the envelope is printed the following legend: Break Seal In Case Of Indiana JonesThat's right, the envelope holds my tickets to the long awaited fourth Indiana Jones picture, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which comes out this Thursday. And I'll be going to the 12:01 screening. A review will be posted shortly thereafter. This is serious, guys. I didn't even go to a midnight showing for any of the Star Wars movies. So, you know. Wow.

[rating: 0] I hope you guys appreciate all I do for you. I could review an easy movie—Stripes, for example, or Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Watching those would be enjoyable. Heck, it would even be a downright good time. Instead, I am willing to put myself through the unimaginable terror of watching Attack of the Clones, the single most wretched movie ever made. I'm not sure I'll have adequate words to describe the pain, the fear and the suffering that this movie causes, but I'll try. It's all for you. This movie would have been more aptly titled The Alienation of the Fans. With this film, George Lucas completed the quest he began with The Phantom Menace to completely displease fans of the original Star Wars trilogy. So many things are wrong with this movie that I'm not even sure where to start, so I'll just take it from the beginning (a very good place to start, Julie Andrews tells me, and she's never lied to me before). When the film opens, it seems there's potentially war brewing or something maybe, and Samuel L. Jackson says that the Republic doesn't have any defense because the Jedi aren't soldiers. This expositional scene ...

Any time you go to a movie that’s based on a novel, you’re bound to hear some fat guy who wants to look smart proclaiming that “the book was better.” Usually he’s right, of course. But since everyone already knows that the book is almost always better, the only reason this guy loudly says that as he’s leaving the theater is so everyone who overhears can realize what a genius he is because he knows how to read. It’s an annoying habit, and I promise I’ll stop doing it just as soon as I stop wanting to look like an awesome genius. So yes, when a movie is adapted from a pre-existing novel, the novel is almost always the superior telling of the story. That’s not to say, however, that there haven’t been many great films based on great books. But one of the motion picture industry’s unique powers is to take a really fantastic book and turn it into a movie that profoundly sucks. Let’s look at a few of those. GREAT BOOK: The War of the Worlds (1898) SHITTY MOVIE: War of the Worlds (2005) Directed by Steven Spielberg, who was apparently desperate to remind people that not every movie he makes ...

I hate stoner movies. I know what their appeal is, and I don't hate potheads or preach about drug use -- I just hate their movies. I think movies like Half Baked are boring, and use "carefree wackiness" as an excuse for making a substandard, endlessly irritating movie. Enter Seth Rogen, who is rapidly becoming my favorite guy in Hollywood. He's the dude who knocked up Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up, and played an immature cop in Superbad. His next project, which he wrote and stars in, is about potheads who get mixed up in the seedy world of professional murder. It's called Pineapple Express, and it has the single greatest trailer I've seen for a movie in maybe a decade. As usual, it's all about the music, so watch out for the second half, when M.I.A's "Paper Planes" starts to play over slow motion clips from the movie. It's so incredibly effective as background music, you actually experience that "falling in love" feeling in your chest, which is usually reserved for girls who play tennis. (Yes, I know Judd Apatow produced it. But if you listened to our latest Podcast, you'd know that Seth Rogen ...