Why's everybody always shitting on Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl? I'm here to say that it's every bit as good as his Askewniverse movies. Yeah, it doesn't have words like cock or jizzmopper in it. But that doesn't mean it isn't as good as or has less integrity than his other movies. Are you crazy? I don't recall Orson Welles dropping an F-bomb in Citizen Kane. And while we're on the subject of things titled "Jersey Girl," don't you think Tom Waits should put out an album called Tom Waits for No Man? Is that not a TOTALLY DELICIOUS PUN?

[rating: 2.5] 21 is a movie fraught with contradiction. On the one hand it's totally watchable, being both well acted and well constructed. On the other hand, the story is really pretty dull. If I had to summarize the plot, I'd do it like this: There's this kid who learns how to count cards, he counts some cards, the end. Strictly by itself, the story doesn't exactly sizzle. Imagine trying to sell someone on the idea—"All the fun of watching cards turn over!" But there are more elements to a good movie than just the line of the plot, and it's by executing these with skill that 21 succeeds when it might have failed. The film's greatest asset is its cast, all of whom rise admirably to the occasion. In the lead is Jim Sturgess as Ben Campbell; you may remember him as Jude from Across the Universe. In 21 he is likeable and real and you can understand the motivations behind his character's decisions. In short, he is everything he wasn't in Across the Universe. Aside him are such high quality actors as Kevin Spacey and Laurence Fishburne. As a security officer with a penchant for punching, Fishburne brings his usual excellence; that ...

The only conclusion I can draw, based on my recent experiences, is that someone or something does not want me to ever see Superman again. Two trips to the video store in a row, I've rented 1978's Superman. Two times! (2!) It was a different copy of the film both times, but the results were the same: DISC ERROR. All I want to do is see a football get kicked really far and see people get sent to the Phantom Zone and all that other good stuff that happens. But it's not in the cards, I guess. For one reason or another, I am just not allowed to watch Superman. Can it be that I have, without my ever knowing it, grievously offended Richard Donner to the point that he has made it his life's work to keep me from watching one of his movies? Is Marlon Brando hassling me from beyond the grave? Or is it, as always, that the universe just hates me and wants to keep me from doing everything I like? Perhaps a combination of all three? In conclusion, I really want to watch Superman and I can't. Discussion Question: Seriously, what's the deal?

[rating: 1.5] The single best way to describe Shutter, a remake of a 2004 horror film from Thailand, would be "unremarkable." In almost every way, this is an eminently forgettable movie. Our story follows Ben (Joshua Jackson) and his young bride (Rachael Taylor) as they start their new life together by moving to Japan, where a high profile photography job awaits, not to mention the vengeful ghost of a creepy girl. Apparently that's what happens in Japan when you run over a disappearing woman with your car; she follows you around looking menacing and humming nerve-jangling melodies, driving you ever closer to the brink of madness. Oh, plus she keeps showing up in photographs as a weird spectral blur or whatever, which I guess is where the movie gets its camera-related title. I say I guess because I don't actually care. The problem with a movie like this, where the story hinges on scary pictures and spirit photography, is that the whole concept just doesn't inspire fascination the way it once did. It has, after all, been over 100 years since Kodak's Brownie came on the market and put photography in the hands of the masses. Everyone takes pictures of everything all the ...

[rating: 0] Special Guest Reviewer: Jesus H. Christ Hey, gang! Jesus here! The whole Easter season is coming right up (Can you believe it's been 2008 years already? I know, I know, time flies, right?) so I thought I'd take this opportunity to give you my thoughts on a little movie called The Passion of the Christ. Maybe you've heard of it? Basically what happened was, Mel Gibson decided he could reach Christians everywhere, or whatever, if he made a movie all about my crucifixion. A for effort, I guess, Mel, but could you have picked something more of a bummer? That whole thing was easily the worst day of my life! The Sermon on the Mount, now that was a good day. Once I made a pair of really handsome shelves for these cute young newlyweds. And remember the loaves and fishes? A little flashier than my usual style, but it was still pretty good, right? Any of those would have been a much better thing to focus on, am I right? Those would have showcased what I was all about, you know—being nice to people, feeding the hungry, interior design, all that good stuff. Isn't that more pleasant than the oogy business ...

[rating: 2] So here's the thing. I like the Beatles a whole heck of a lot. And I like musicals a lot too, really, despite my constant bravado and gruff exterior where I claim to only like movies with graphic disembowelings every couple of seconds. But that's all a sham; give me My Fair Lady and I'll usually take it with a smile. Across the Universe, though, is another thing altogether. Yes it uses songs written by the Beatles and yes the characters sing them like they're dialogue, but I didn't like the songs and the movie didn't have whatever qualities I usually dig about musicals. This is trouble. Let's talk about the music for a minute. The Beatles were the most amazing combination of musicians in the history of recorded sound and their catalogue of songs is the absolute best. There will be no discussion on this point. The Beatles fucking rule, that's all there is to it. A movie that hinges so much on the use of their songs has to be great, right? Right! Every movie starring the Beatles and featuring their music was great, except for two of them. Two out of four is close enough to four out ...