[rating: 0.5] Could The Princess Diaries be any stupider? Objectively, the answer is no. Instead of a more traditional review, I'm just going to give you a list of some things that I like way better than The Princess Diaries. Dropsy Coprophagia Being eaten by a Bengal tiger Being eaten by a Cincinnati Bengal Drying off with a damp towel Swallowing a bug Chronic naked grandparents Tongue sandwiches Skull crushed by a ball peen hammer Apartment fires Apartment fires on Christmas Dropping my glasses in the toilet Chronic dingleberries Synchronized swimming Child abuse Synchronized child abuse Jerking off in front of second grade teacher The Phantom Menace Wearing wet socks Richard Simmons Papercuts on the taint Necrotizing fasciitis on the taint It wasn't my favorite movie, that much is for sure.

[rating: 4.5] The films in the Lord of the Rings trilogy were doubtless the second most eagerly anticipated movie-going experience of my life. They were first, however, in terms of the actual payoff being worth the anticipation. The Phantom Menace, I'm afraid, was a letdown of biblical proportions and made all that excitement and pre-release hype seem like so much foolishness. These three films, however, managed to exceed even my high expectations. As a fan of Tolkien since practically the womb, I had been waiting with bated breath for live action film versions of my beloved stories, and lord almighty I was not disappointed. As good as the movies were in theaters, they managed to be enhanced even further by the DVD release of the "special extended editions." Unlike the disgusting travesties that were the special editions of Star Wars, these are composed of footage made for the films and trimmed for time from the theatrical release; there's none of this going back decades after the fact and adding stupid special effects that contribute nothing to the story. And so, for the next twelve hours or so, we will take a look at the saga that is the extended version of ...

[rating: 3] Everybody's familiar with the big power hitters in the Walt Disney animated features oeuvre, your Snow Whites and your Cinderellas and your Little Mermaids, but Fun and Fancy Free, the ninth official Disney animated feature, is largely overlooked. It's one of the so-called "package features," meaning it, along with movies like The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad and Make Mine Music, primarily consists of unrelated short subjects jammed together and called a movie. That may be the reason it's been somewhat forgotten over the years; to be honest, I've never seen it until now. But with a running time of just seventy-five minutes, it's definitely my kind of movie, so let's take a look. The premise the whole movie hangs on is that Jiminy Cricket, the friendly insect from Pinocchio, is going around having an absolutely splendid time. He's fun and fancy free, you see, and it totally pisses him off when other people aren't. Quit worrying, that's Jiminy's philosophy. This is somewhat contrary to his role as Pinocchio's conscience, but apparently he's a changed bug. Jiminy hops from place to place singing songs and smiling so big his skull is surely in danger of being rent in twain and ...