[rating: 5] Last time I took stock of the situation, I was still technically what is known, in medical parlance, as a dude. Speaking as a representative of dudes everywhere, I feel safe in asserting that the major disadvantage to the Christmas season is the lack of swearing. Think about it: You never see claymation specials where Santa says, "Jesus Christ, his fuckin' nose is glowing!" Therefore, it's important that we examine one of the few entries in the holiday lexicon that's chock full of cussin' and that truly appeals to those of us whose mental functions are impeded by testosterone. And so I give you Die Hard (German for "The Hard"). For my money, Die Hard is the very peak achievement in the field of R rated action movies. It's got explosions and gunfire and nonstop murdercusses, of course, and it's also noteworthy that it doesn't fall prey to the extreme homoeroticism that beset so many action pictures in the 80s—Bruce Willis doesn't take his shirt off until he absolutely has to and, while he makes a new male best friend with whom he bonds deeply, his primary motivation throughout the story is saving the life of his semi-estranged wife. Add ...

I was having myself a little Star Trek marathon today, so I compiled this list of episode titles from all the different series that sound like they could be porno movies. The Man Trap Mudd's Women What Are Little Girls Made Of? Space Seed The Naked Time This Side of Paradise Mudd's Passion The Naked Now Manhunt Peak Performance The Bonding Booby Trap Sins of the Father The Most Toys Menage a Troi The Best of Both Worlds First Contact Violations The Perfect Mate Liaisons Invasive Procedures Indiscretion Body Parts Strange Bedfellows The Chute In the Flesh Inside Man Bound

A weird flavor, snowflakes on the package and the phrase "limited time only" spell holiday edition to you, right? They sure do to me, and that's why I feel justified in calling a pointless blog about Pomegranate 7Up a Christmas post. I have a pretty fierce obsession with Christmas editions of food. Christmas Crunch is perhaps the finest thing ever devised by cereakind. Slap Santa on the label and I'll eat a can of Dinty Moore Hippo Anus In Its Own Juices. And so I must now sample Pomegranate 7UP, a thing that I would never ever try if it didn't have those tantalizing snowflakes on the label. I have no idea what a pomegranate tastes like and I assumed I'd never find out. But the Christmas season, with its miracles and magicks, can surprise us all. Of course, for a holiday edition soda, I'm gonna need to use my special glass with the happy snowmen on it, so I've got that. I'm giving it its first use of the season, in fact! I washed the year-old dust and dead spiders out of it just for this very special occasion. And I'll need ...

Care to hear a dumb, semi-Christmas related story from my youth? Of course you do! See, what happened was there was this Christmas play. Thankfully, I wasn't actually in the play this time, I only acted as an observer. The particularly exciting thing about this play is that it wasn't sanctioned by any school, church or other organization. Far from it. Rather, it was put on by my cousin and one of our friends—a friend who is the most creative, fearless and batshit insane person I've ever had the pleasure to know. A number of years have gone by and I can now remember almost none of the details of the play. But I do remember this much. The main characters were some kind of tough, hip, urban folk named Jameela and Sinatra. But you have to say them as "JAM...eela" and "SIN...atra." And they were having some kind of Christmas something or other. I don't know what. I do know it involved fabric softener. You see, one of the characters, in true Grinch-y fashion, had stolen the other's only Christmas present: A bottle of Downy fabric softener. This scenario ...

[rating: 4] Oh my god! Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! OH...MY...GAWD! Futurama's back in a big way! Compared to this, Family Guy coming back is like a turd coming back when the toilet overflows. I've perhaps never been so excited in my life. Holy cow do I love Futurama; I'm even prepared to call it a better show than The Simpsons. Bender's Big Score is the first of four direct-to-DVD Futurama movies, and if the quality of this one is any indication of what's to come then we're all about to add the four greatest DVDs in history to our collections. For fans of the TV series, it's got just about everything you could want. We get to hear funny words like "handjob" and "twaddlecock" and all our favorite characters make reappearances, including the Hypnotoad, Seymour, the Harlem Globetrotters, Hedonismbot, Barbados Slim and Leela's luscious asscheeks. But it isn't just Leela's asscheeks we get to feast our eyes on, Lord no. The plot of this thing focuses a lot on asses. Hermes' ass gets plenty of screen time and Fry's ass is a major plot device (a major, smelly plot device). The non-ass related elements of the plot center around a race of greedy, bare-assed ...

The biggest movie news these days is that everything is go for launch on the long-awaited new X-Files movie. At any rate, that's the biggest news for people like myself, who only care about nerd stuff. A bigger fan of The X-Files than me there never ever was. I'm practically bouncing off the walls in anticipation. I mean, there's the new Indiana Jones and Star Trek movies to look forward to, and now The X-Files too! The only thing to say about it is: Hot diggity damn! In celebration of this momentous news, here's a list of my ten favorite episodes of The X-Files. 10. HOLLYWOOD A.D. 7.18 The one where they're making a movie about the X-Files and Scully, Mulder and Skinner talk to each other in bathtubs. 9. JOSE CHUNG'S "FROM OUTER SPACE" 3.20 The one where Charles Nelson Reilly is a kooky writer and Alex Trebek and Jesse Ventura are shady characters. 8. WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES 3.12 The one where cockroaches invade a small town and Mulder tells Scully she smells bad. 7. MUSINGS OF A CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN 4.07 The one where we learn the extent of the Cigarette Smoking Man's involvement in ...

[rating: 0] Date Movie is an incredible achievement in the motion picture business, a truly groundbreaking film of astounding accomplishment. It's a comedy that manages to contain not a single laugh from the moment it starts from the moment the credits finish their roll. Schindler's List had more thigh-slappers. I cracked a smile more often during my last bladder infection. What the hell happened to the spoof-laden nonsense comedy? Long gone are the high quality gagfests of the days of Airplane! and The Naked Gun, it seems. Those movies were able to have stories that were subservient to the gags while still maintaining an obvious through-line. Date Movie, on the other hand, wanders aimlessly from one joke to another—or, at least, they are alleged to be jokes—without ever really letting you understand why you're watching them. Sometimes it cuts from one meaningless thing to another you can't help but wonder if something was cut out, or if somehow your DVD player is randomly shuffling the order of the chapters. So, what I'm saying is, it's a piece of crap in terms of being a movie you can watch from one point to another. But, to be fair, it's also a piece of crap ...

Mark and I were talking recently about various Christmas movies we'd like to watch. We talked about all the obvious ones, of course, but we were also coming up with some movies that take place around the holiday but don't immediately spring to mind when you're thinking of Christmas movies. I brought up the movie Batman Returns, which is set at Christmastime and uses tree lightings as set pieces and mistletoe as a plot device. Mark agreed that it undeniably fit the criteria we were looking for, but he added: "I don't really enjoy watching Batman Returns at all." That's a fair statement, granted, and I essentially agreed with it. We're talking about a Tim Burton film, after all, and that's always something to be wary of. Even so, when I was in junior high there was a period of several months where I'd watch either Batman, Batman Returns or Batman Forever every day after school, in lieu of doing homework or making friends. Eventually I grew out of my Batman phase. I mean, I still have Batman sheets, but I've hardly seen those movies at all since middle school. So I decided I'd ...

Well, today's the busiest shopping day of the year, it is. And I'll certainly be a part of the mad rushing hither and thither to get a jump on the Christmas season. I've got quite a list of people to shop for this year, so I need to get a good start. Here's my shopping list for the holidays. 1. Alvin - Hula hoop 2. Bart - Bonestorm 3. Susan - House 4. Freddy - Tie 5. Tom H. - Reynolds pen 6. Tom P. – Chuck Berry Songbook 7. Lucy - Real estate 8. Ralphie - BB gun 9. Billy - Mogwai 10. Oswald - Parents 11. Bonnie - Hopalong boots 12. Ben - Pistol that shoots 13. Janice & Jen - Dolls that'll talk and go for a walk 14. Gayla - Hippopotamus 15. Hermey - Dentistry for Dummies

The first pictures have been captured of Zachary Quinto, who plays a young Mister Spock for the new Star Trek film, in full costume. (Thanks to JFX.com, who also took it upon themselves to splash their ugly-ass logo all over the shots.) I can't believe I'm saying it, but he actually looks like he'll make a pretty damn good Spock. But looks aren't everything--in fact, they're pretty much the least important part of playing a role. But at least seeing the effort and success they've taken in making this kid look like a believable Spock is mildly encouraging. (Note: for those of you who aren't complete nerdwads, Zachary Quinto is the same fella who plays the bad guy Sylar in the popular Heroes series.)